I hope everyone had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving, I know I can speak for both of us when I say we have a lot to be thankful for in our home. We spent the day at her parents house with her family, and the day couldn't have been better. As for the D/s side of things, I've been locked the entire time (during the daytime when I'm not diapered anyway) since I returned from my trip. The day after Thanksgiving I traveled north to spend time with my family, she ended up making the drive as well. I laid down long before she did, and of course when I looked in her over night bag she brought a diaper. I was exhausted and fell asleep with my jail bird still locked on, something which never happens. I honestly wouldn't mind sleeping in my chastity device, because I know I can't trust myself to NOT attempt to get off. I mean, isn't that the point of a device? One can't expect a young male to have a mental chastity device, that doesn't exist! Thats why I bought her those high end locking panties from fetware.com, because in the past when I got really horny I have and would get off by undoing my diaper enough to be able to "grab it". The first night she had these I was hoping she would put them on, yet the chain jingled and instead of attempting to make the chain shorter or silencing it; she just put them up and said we would use the other pair at night...ugh (trying to help you here). Back to the prior night, I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep with no real struggle, waking up only once to the throbbing of the pull out pin digging into the top of my friend. Then, she crawled into bed and began grabbing me, then proceeded to unlock my device (not complaining). The play became stronger and I could tell she was as horny as it gets...then she pulled me inside her and I asked "Um...what are you doing?" her reply was simple "I'm drunk, and I'm horny". The next 15 minutes were absolutely wonderful, and all of the "crazy thoughts" I had been having the past few days washed away completely. In my eyes, it was the best sex we had ever had, for me anyway. I didn't get off inside her, so she told me to go ahead and "finish" into a towel. When I did waves of pleasure hit me like a typhoon, and the submissive switch turned off! I was jerked away from sub-space which I was close to entering and I was about of satisfied as I could be. "Let me get your diaper now" she said after I finished, I talked her out of it and we passed out for the rest of the night. Why on earth did she do that? I mean, I knew she wasn't super serious back in the rhythm yet, bet I mean...sex?! I was and still am shocked. Not complaining by any means yet after I started to think, am I sad I got off? Since all of the small submissive thoughts I had (and they were very few since we really haven't been very, active, in the lifestyle) simply vanished into thin air. The next morning the device went back on, yet there was no emotion to it, I wasn't "happy or sad" it was going back on, really apathetic to the whole situation. I guess that's the bad thing about getting off, and I understand why dommes who are serious about having a slave, rarely if ever let them get off. It makes you loose all desire to do anything, luckily though we haven't been doing much so I suppose it's ok.
I mentioned "crazy thoughts" a moment ago, and those all washed away. Obviously as of late I haven't been getting off, also as of late she really hasn't been engaging in this lifestyle; I've felt likes it's just chastity and diapers...on loop...with no meaning. In the past I've spoke how this used to drive me insane, it happened once and I almost went mad. The holidays are a busy time of year, and a wedding takes ALOT of time to plan, so I understand the absence I've seen and I'm not complaining by any means. Yet this may have a lot to do with the thoughts I've been having, since the steam that's building up by being in chastity has no where to go, and no substance behind it. Last time the steam was powering the engine which was me being her maid, I felt like something was being accomplished, and that my frustration had a purpose, because I had a means of using it, does that make sense? The thoughts I've had have coincided with what she originally said her goal was, yet I fully don't think those are her true goals. I was so frustrated last week from a sexual level and from the fact that sexual frustration had no where to go, or be used I wanted to go insane. The crazy thoughts I will list below:
1. That I wanted this to be full time job. What I mean is I wanted this to become my role in the home, that my vanilla life inside my home was gone, like it was last time. I wanted her to become strict and controlling yet with a purpose, I wanted a longterm goal to be set and begin the journey to obtaining it.
2. I wanted to go back into more humiliating situations, and a more humiliating lifestyle since that was what drove me last time to do the best job I could. That's what made me actually afraid to piss her off or not listen, it's what truly drove me into "sub space". More humiliating could mean a number of things, listen all bathroom privileges, feminizing me and turning me into a "sissy". I know she's stated she didn't enjoy that, I didn't particularly either but I think it had a lot of power over me, and it truly was the only thing which felt like an actual role reversal.
3. I wanted her to be in complete control, with a purpose of course. And I wanted her to begin to enjoy it again, and obtain the confidence she had when she had me on the tip of her finger. I feel last time she only had this for a few weeks at best, before she ended everything due to stress.
4. I wanted her to make this my new life, and to aim towards one release a year. I new this would make me become so dedicated and committed, it would make me truly a slave/maid to her. And it would prepare me for the final thing.
5. I wanted for her to be as happy as she could be through this life, and with the one release a year, and I had been trained and molded into a real maid dependent on diapers; I'd want her to still experience real sex, and I feel then I would be much more ok with cuckolding. She's said in a few years she'd possibly look into it, yet to me it's not really about humiliation, more about her being happy down the road. When I honestly think about it, ones only source of sexual satisfaction shouldn't be someone who pisses there self, scrubs the house in heals, and who you bend over the bed and fuck and who sleeps in a cage. I would want her to have the option of obtaining real sex. I'd go ballistic if she tried that today; because I'm not in the mindset. I have a feeling if I was that dependent on her, I would be.
6. The last thing I wanted was a no-way-out commitment for a set period of time, if she was going to pursue this "hard-core" as she calls it, I would want us to set a time frame like "In one year we can discuss stopping this, but until then...your the slave of the house" because I think I have a problem with weaseling out of situations, I'm good at it and that would prevent it.
I know, those sound odd. It freaked me out when I started having them, and I know I can't top from the bottom, which is why I never told her about these thoughts. I truly don't understand why I was having them. When I was talking to a friend online who is also submissive he/she (sissy) said "Maybe because deep down you know it's where you belong, and where you could make her the most happy". She got angry last night and said within the week "we have to start hardcore, because your not listening to anything I say, and It's driving me insane". So I've said it a hundred times on here...."we'll see" .... but it is the holidays! And I LOVE this time of the year, giving is my favorite thing in the world...maybe that's why I think this process will be the best, because it's such a selfless thing to do. I'm ok with everything right now because we just spent the day decorating for Christmas and the house looks great! Ready for Christmas to be here, giving her gifts might be my favorite thing to do for her, she deserves a lot of things she can't afford right now, and I take it upon myself to give them to her.
