Ever growing, Ever learning...

I don't think my weekend vacation will look like this...

This lifestyle truly is a journey of up's and down's! I think the longer we're on this journey the more we learn and grow. It feels like the development of this lifestyle is bubbling more and more with each passing day, and I'm excited to see where it takes us. This evening Mistress had to stay late for work, I had dinner ready when she got home and after greeting her properly we talked and enjoyed dinner. She needed to work on a few side jobs so she went ahead and spanked me with the crop for my continued bad behavior. Followed by diapering me and locking me in my ankle cuffs with a two foot chain between them, with my heels on of course. It's funny because I'm still struggling to get into a submissive state, and staying there. Which is why I know deep down as does she going to someone who does not see "there boyfriend" when they look at me is going to be the best thing for me. I basically need a weekend of hell, to the point where I go crawling back to Mistress, never wanting to upset her so she never sends me back to that person again. It's motivation really, and with the proper motivation I am capable of amazing things....I'm a driven person, so this will be no different. I've had people message me with concerns of going into a strangers home and being under there control for a weekend with no way to leave.  Let me clear the air; first off Mistress would have been in conversation with this person, also Mistress would have met this person and chatted. Only after then if she felt comfortable would this happen. So please don't think she's shipping me away to be sold into the argentinian sex trade, thats not happening. At least then I might be able to actually get off?! Ha Ha. She's talking to a few whom I have found, but one in particular has kind of stood out and Mistress began communication with her tonight. Mistress has mentioned going to multiple people over the course of this growing process for me through submission. The one she messaged today had a lite conversation with me about what her "making me crawl back to Mistress would entail" bondage, beat, abuse, leave me there...repeat. Which I think is exactly what Mistress is looking for.  Will the person get enjoyment out of this? Sure or they wouldn't do it. But this is more about me coming back to Mistress a melted ball of submissive goo.    It seems like I'm anxious for this to happen, because I am, but not in the way you might think. I will get no pleasure from this, I'm in chastity anyway! The pleasure I will get is the submission I will feel towards Mistress when I return. This will be good for me in essence, because Mistress is still developing as a dominant herself, me being a better submissive will make this process easier for the both of us. Another question I received was "why wouldn't your mistress be there"and the answer is simple actually; I wont see my girlfriend, she wont see her boyfriend it would simply be me as a slave, and a dominant, and thats all we see each other as. No other emotions get in the way, its simple me being treated like I should be. I hope this clarifies some of the concern, don't be concerned! Pray it happens soon so I can get better! As I've stated in many of my blogs I love my Mistress dearly, and I want to be the best I can be at this for her.  The two week period we were shooting for is still high hopes, since I will be traveling alot come the end of September, and I don't think I can wait longer to be a great slave. I have faith it will come through, though I'm scared of it happening I know it will be for the better. Also hoping Mistress develops several friends out of this process in the lifestyle so she can relate to someone in person.
These truly are the most open people you will find in the world and I'm excited about the friendships I'm making through this process. It brings people from all walks of life together, and that's an awesome thing.

Debbie

Trying to grasp what's ahead, and coming to terms

Today was rather uneventful, Mistress's birthday is soon so I gave her present to her early this evening, her excitement and happiness made it all worth it. That happiness I see is truly why I feel I have agreed to this journey in the first place. Looking back I never knew where this would go, had no idea on the world of Femdom, FLR, feminization, or possibly cuckolding. When I first showed Mistress the chastity device I had no idea where the road would take me, or even if it would evolve to something other than bedroom kink. I have a strong feeling this "third" time around will be the last, something different is in the air, her demeanor is more dominant, I can tell she truly wants this. These thoughts force my mind to ponder the "what if's" and "what will you become", will you still have your significant other? Will she ever seek another man for sex down the road? Will this build or destroy your relationship? Will YOU be happy?
These are all question I have thought long and hard about, and honestly I believe I have found the anwsers I have been looking for...it all boils down to trust. I trust her with my life, so I will trust her with me. Saying someone "owns" you is a rather large statement with alot of weight behind it. If someone had to "own" me, I would want it to be her. I can't imagine anyone I trust more. The thought of the relationship changing is the subject I have given the most of my time too. I realize my life will not be the same. I'm sitting here in bed in a wet diaper as I type this; the relationship has already changed. We still talk normally, hug, kiss, laugh, and be a couple...
and I know as this progresses those things will occur less often. I enjoy sleeping next to her, but she's mentioned several times that soon I will be sleeping in a kennel next to her bed...and you know what? I'm ok with that. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. Not sure if the hypnosis files have changed me or if I have simply excepted my soon to be role as a slave to a Mistress I love. Why would I look forward to sleeping in a kennel? Because it's yet another sign of devotion to her, and when you don't have a say in the matter it's best to love what's coming your way! Makes it much easier!
I know that when she's not using me, in time that won't mean "free time for me" rather it will mean being "put away until needed". Simple things I took for granted all being washed away, such as a toilet, sex, bathing myself, boxers...oh how I miss those. I keep trying to look at the big picture and I find I'm ok with it.
I know over time the dynamic of the relationship will continue to shift, until it gets situated to where she wants it.  I know all these things are coming, yet it still doesn't feel "real" yet, despite the revelations of the past week. Training hasn't begun, no true set of rules has been set in stone that I know of. I still sit on the couch with her, still talk to her as I please. I'm not running around the house in heels and a maid uniform yet, when she starts to teach me how she wants me to walk, sit, kneel, and etc...I think it will sink in more, or maybe it will be when she locks me in a kennel for the evening for bed, maybe it will be when my diaper is exposed in public or to a friend of hers, maybe it won't be until I see it in her eye that things have truly changed. Regardless of what happens, I'm doing this for her, I want her to be happy beyond measure. And if that happiness comes from her molding me into her perfect slave, then I suppose I'm going to strive to be the best one I can be. I believe this will make me happy, and as for our relationship; it's going to make us inseparable and stronger than ever...and I suppose in my mind; that's worth everything. Though I know there will be many times during this process I want it to end, and just go back to normal, I believe I will grow to accept it fully. All change is difficult, but sometimes with change...comes progress.

Debbie