I know...I know...I know... this blog went dark...for along time. I truly have no excuses, and I apologize to those of you who sent me messages about how much you loved the blog. It is a love/hate relationship for me, and its more than likely obvious I haven't been in the lifestyle since my last post, I truly don't know what my last post even was. Again I apologize, yet its affirmation that this lifestyle isn't all the stories and fantasy seekers make it up to be. Having a 24/7 FLR/FLM is hard work, primarily from the women. It takes so much time for me to get into sub space, it takes months for me to take her seriously about it, it takes drastic actions from her for me to think she is serious. Those actions require planning, and take time, which gets consumed from other things life brings your way. To those of you who have done it, bravo...whats the secret (perhaps I don't want to know). So why did it end THIS time.... I'll do my best to recant the conversation. I had been locked up for some time without relief, (over 30 days), I remember being horny as it gets and I had spent a lot of time alone outdoors which caused me to think long and hard on the situation I was in. During that time I came to some conclusions and decided I needed to tell her how I was feeling.
"This is where I belong, I don't deserve to get off, much less have sex with you (or receive pleasure from it anyway), I blew it, I got off behind your back so much and I feel I've lost those privileges. I deserve to be kept in chastity, I deserve to be trained back into being dependent on diapers...I don't deserve to sleep in the same bed, you do deserve the right to cuckold me. I want you to take this further, I know it will be miserable... its fine, I deserve this." I said to her, she became frazzled and said this isn't what I want, I'm marrying you, I want to have sex with my husband, I don't want to do this anymore. That was all I needed to here, game over. I got up out of bed and started undoing the diaper "Just leave it on" she said. I was mad, and I wasn't sure why, those thoughts I had came from being deep in "sub space" and being deprived orgasm for a month. Once I got off I thought to myself "Are you crazy, why the hell would you say you want those things?!" I quickly resorted back to my old habits sadly and we went back to normal vanilla life. Months went by, we've been consumed planning the big day, life brought other challenges and time kept marching on. Then she started finding rags and etc from you know what...she wasn't happy, sex went to almost nothing, which is all my fault... sad huh? She started slowly talking about it again and one day she locked my jail bird back on and said we're starting. Well all was not well, I discovered I could pull out, even with the long blunt anti pull out pin. I decided to be honest and tell her about it, happy the device would come off until we sent it back to Mature metal to make it smaller. I never sent the device off, (this was 2 weeks ago) I didn't want to go back in it! I suppose I had a fear that she wouldn't take it seriously, and I refuse to simply wear a chastity device and a diaper at night, it does nothing to change me, and doesn't develop the FLR at all. The actions which surround those things do.
Going back to when we decided to give chastity a try in the beginning I remember her making one mistake, which I think set the course for failure; she gave in on a brutal "break in session". I was in two thick diapers, plastic pants, suppositories and fed baby food laced with laxatives and vast amounts of fiber. She had planned to start on a friday evening and leave me chained in a small crawl space she turned into a cage, listening to her wav files for 24 hours. She was doing this to try and get me quickly into sub space and let me know she was serious. It was hell being in there, hell. When she let me out every 4 hours to stretch after hour 8 I begged not to go back in and stay the night, it was hell, my diaper had turned it into a gas chamber...she gave in and let me sleep in the bed, chained to it, yet she gave in. I think that's where the fault was because I didn't take her seriously.
So I didn't send the device back to mature metal, rather I took the long blunt anti-pull out pin and and a dremel and modified it to the criss cross pattern yet sharper. Today is my first day back in, if I try and pull any way, it will cut me. If it does come out, it isn't going back in. So until I order the arch, for her wedding gift, this will do. I'm not sure how long it will last, part of me doesn't want it to, part of me does. I'm currently laying in bed, penis is killing me from this new anti pull out pin, I asked her to diaper me earlier and she wouldn't, hoping she does soon so the cage will come off. Which I know it linking comfort to diapers, which is sad in my current state of mind. They say actions speak louder than words, so I suppose time will tell if she takes the reins and steers this down a road of me becoming submissive.
She just came back into the bed room and removed my cage, after some deliberation (I don't know why she deliberates) my diaper leaked into my diaper cover last night, I'm now sitting in two Abri Form M4 X plus diapers, and they will remain on apparently until tomorrow at 5:30. I don't work tomorrow and she does, so she will be leaving the locking diaper covers on me during the day.
Its now friday morning, she just left for work...sadly for me I ended up messing these diapers five minutes after she left...looks like I get to clean the whole house with filth around my waist today...only seven more hours until she's home.
I understand the rollercoaster aspect of what you've described and greatly appreciate how difficult it is to balance everything. Very selfishly, it's good to read a new entry and I hope there's many more to come.
ReplyDeleteFYI sounds like you are trying to bottom from the Top. It is not up to you what happens, it is up to your wife to be. It is your place to do what she says when she says no exceptions no questions.
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