Friday, April 4, 2014

I hate sitting in mess...

I know...I know...I know... this blog went dark...for along time. I truly have no excuses, and I apologize to those of you who sent me messages about how much you loved the blog. It is a love/hate relationship for me, and its more than likely obvious I haven't been in the lifestyle since my last post, I truly don't know what my last post even was. Again I apologize, yet its affirmation that this lifestyle isn't all the stories and fantasy seekers make it up to be. Having a 24/7 FLR/FLM is hard work, primarily from the women.  It takes so much time for me to get into sub space, it takes months for me to take her seriously about it, it takes drastic actions from her for me to think she is serious. Those actions require planning, and take time, which gets consumed from other things life brings your way. To those of you who have done it, bravo...whats the secret (perhaps I don't want to know). So why did it end THIS time.... I'll do my best to recant the conversation. I had been locked up for some time without relief, (over 30 days), I remember being horny as it gets and I had spent a lot of time alone outdoors which caused me to think long and hard on the situation I was in. During that time I came to some conclusions and decided I needed to tell her how I was feeling.
"This is where I belong, I don't deserve to get off, much less have sex with you (or receive pleasure from it anyway), I blew it, I got off behind your back so much and I feel I've lost those privileges. I deserve to be kept in chastity, I deserve to be trained back into being dependent on diapers...I don't deserve to sleep in the same bed, you do deserve the right to cuckold me. I want you to take this further, I know it will be miserable... its fine, I deserve this."  I said to her, she became frazzled and said this isn't what I want, I'm marrying you, I want to have sex with my husband, I don't want to do this anymore. That was all I needed to here, game over. I got up out of bed and started undoing the diaper "Just leave it on" she said. I was mad, and I wasn't sure why, those thoughts I had came from being deep in "sub space" and being deprived orgasm for a month. Once I got off I thought to myself "Are you crazy, why the hell would you say you want those things?!" I quickly resorted back to my old habits sadly and we went back to normal vanilla life. Months went by, we've been consumed planning the big day, life brought other challenges and time kept marching on. Then she started finding rags and etc from you know what...she wasn't happy, sex went to almost nothing, which is all my fault... sad huh? She started slowly talking about it again and one day she locked my jail bird back on and said we're starting. Well all was not well, I discovered I could pull out, even with the long blunt anti pull out pin. I decided to be honest and tell her about it, happy the device would come off until we sent it back to Mature metal to make it smaller. I never sent the device off, (this was 2 weeks ago) I didn't want to go back in it! I suppose I had a fear that she wouldn't take it seriously, and I refuse to simply wear a chastity device and a diaper at night, it does nothing to change me, and doesn't develop the FLR at all. The actions which surround those things do.
Going back to when we decided to give chastity a try in the beginning I remember her making one mistake, which I think set the course for failure; she gave in on a brutal "break in session". I was in two thick diapers, plastic pants, suppositories and fed baby food laced with laxatives and vast amounts of fiber. She had planned to start on a friday evening and leave me chained in a small crawl space she turned into a cage, listening to her wav files for 24 hours. She was doing this to try and get me quickly into sub space and let me know she was serious. It was hell being in there, hell. When she let me out every 4 hours to stretch after hour 8 I begged not to go back in and stay the night, it was hell, my diaper had turned it into a gas chamber...she gave in and let me sleep in the bed, chained to it, yet she gave in. I think that's where the fault was because I didn't take her seriously.
So I didn't send the device back to mature metal, rather I took the long blunt anti-pull out pin and and a dremel and modified it to the criss cross pattern yet sharper. Today is my first day back in, if I try and pull any way, it will cut me. If it does come out, it isn't going back in. So until I order the arch, for her wedding gift, this will do. I'm not sure how long it will last, part of me doesn't want it to, part of me does. I'm currently laying in bed, penis is killing me from this new anti pull out pin, I asked her to diaper me earlier and she wouldn't, hoping she does soon so the cage will come off.  Which I know it linking comfort to diapers, which is sad in my current state of mind. They say actions speak louder than words, so I suppose time will tell if she takes the reins and steers this down a road of me becoming submissive.

She just came back into the bed room and removed my cage, after some deliberation (I don't know why she deliberates) my diaper leaked into my diaper cover last night, I'm now sitting in two Abri Form M4 X plus diapers, and they will remain on apparently until tomorrow at 5:30. I don't work tomorrow and she does, so she will be leaving the locking diaper covers on me during the day.

Its now friday morning, she just left for work...sadly for me I ended up messing these diapers five minutes after she left...looks like I get to clean the whole house with filth around my waist today...only seven more hours until she's home.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Changes?

I awoke Saturday after a restless nights sleep, the thickness between my legs did not enable me to "sleep like a baby". After taking care of the animals she told me to get in the shower, yet made me take off the diaper in front of her and put my cage on before washing. Very embarrassing, even though she's changed me many times, something about being seen in a soiled diaper makes me very embarrassed.  I know she enjoys this, her verbal remarks make it clear, yet thankfully we had a very busy day Saturday and no time to think about anything FLR. After a day of home remodeling we needed to make another trip to Lowes, which meant me going out in a diaper again, which led to me sleeping in a messy diaper...again. (It's getting old) Sunday was more of the same, a lot of renovations  and a day working in my chastity device. Early in the afternoon she decided she wanted me in a diaper the rest of the day, which I was ok with since it meant the device came off. And when bed time rolled around she even changed me into a dry one for being good all weekend.
As we began to dose off she kept saying "serious" changes are coming, and how "things are changing" in this home. She explained how much happier she was when I didn't question her at all, when I would do as I'm told, when I'm told. How much happier she was when she never had to clean a thing or do any laundry. "Soon, your not going to have an opinion in this home unless I ask for yours. I know you think this is just going to end again but your wrong this time. It's here to stay". To be honest though, I don't know what to think, do I really want to live a life diapered and not sleeping with my wife?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Diapers in public and my first day back in chastity

Today was my first day back in chastity, I suppose it's going to take some getting used to, but I will be honest; it felt "right" being locked back up. When she got home, she immediately insisted I go ahead and be put in my diaper. She knew we had a lot of errands to run and I wasn't too excited about going out in a diaper. Well I was wet before we left, yet my knee length coat made it impossible to tell. I was caught off guard when I realized I was walking through Walmart peeing without even thinking about it. I suppose I get used to it, by the time we got home I was soaked and she made it clear I wasn't getting changed until morning. You see I hate feeling wet, which is why we buy high end diapers. I begged her to please tape another one on top of this one, so it would wick moisture, she agreed mentioning how cute the waddling is. After tapping the second one on she pulled out the thick pink locking plastic panties, after removing the chain she slid them on "well I was going to rape your hole tonight, but it's diapers for you, which makes you happy doesn't it? You love your diapers". A slight blush and I waddled off, shortly after my stomach hit me and did the expected. "Looks like sissy is sleeping in a poopy diaper!" She proclaimed. And now I'm laying down in bed, coping with my situation, at least I know I'm getting changed first thing in the morning. I just hope she doesn't put her cold feet on me tonight! I hate it so much, makes me want her to make me sleep in a crib, that's how much it irks me! Goodnight everyone, I will say despite being in a full thick diaper....I'm quite comfy, thank goodness she didn't plug me!

Deb

I forgot how much I hated wearing my cage...


Well, again I do apologize for my lack of posting and turning my blog off, very childish of me. But I am back now, hopefully for a good while. We are currently VERY busy with some home renovations, and I'm trying very hard to keep her on task with them (ORGANIZE EVERYTHING!).  I've found if everything has an uncluttered place; life is happier. Any ways my prior blog post I wrote about a week ago and forgot to publish, two nights ago she slowly started to bring back the FLR lifestyle by making me sleep in a very full, disgusting diaper due to her anger, and disappointment from earlier in the day. I made a big mistake, she found a shirt I had been "jacking off" in, I could tell she was actually hurt "you know it really hurts me when I find these, I think you have a problem, your obsessed with getting off" she said. In my mind I'm thinking "Aren't all guys obsessed with that?  I don't try to hurt her, I guess I just automatically do it, long story--- she hates it. Laying down she said "you get to decide if you want to have sex with me one last time for awhile before I put your diaper on you, and no your not touching that toilet." Of course I said lets have sex, but it was responded with  "I've changed my mind, lift your ass up, diapers going on". With a pair of pink "panties" as she calls them, the inevitable happened right before I laid down to sleep.  "You really do like wearing your diapers don't you? God your such a freak" she said which was met with my assuring replies stating that wasn't the case. The only time I like them is in the morning; when I really have to go, I can just go".  She went on to explain that in time she had made a decision to pick up with the feminization and continue to make me the house maid, "I keep thinking I'm too busy to do all of this too you right now, but since your going to be the bitch and doing ALL of the housework, I think that will free me up a lot. And by the way, nothings changing after we get married." She seems like she is serious, but as you know actions speak much louder than words. This morning I awoke with another very soggy diaper, which was leaking when I stood up. I don't want to tell her this because it means stuffers, or wearing two at once...and I do NOT want the padding in my pants to get worse. Though when ever she puts me in two she laughs and smiles much more at the size, secretly I think it's obvious she is the one who likes making me wear diapers. Anyways after waking I went to the bathroom and began un taping when I heard "don't get in the shower, come put your cage on, now". I didn't argue or say much of anything, she was laying on the chastity device in an attempt to warm it up. When the lock clicked shut I didn't think much of it, yet now, it being 2:30pm the device is reminding me of it's announce and I'm pretty horny.  We have a lot of house plans in the works this weekend, I have a feeling if she does anything I'll be wearing diapers out to dinner and a movie tomorrow night...as long as I'm not plugged as well it should be ok. 

Deb

My Current Thoughts

It's been a good while since I've gotten on my blog since I shut it down around a month ago. I truly am sorry to those of you who enjoyed reading my post, shutting it down was selfish, childish, and an impulse which stemmed from a conversation with my fiancĂ© which put yet another halt on our FLR lifestyle.  Around six weeks ago I could tell she was fading, work has persisted to stress her out, the holidays made it worse, and trying to plan our wedding all the while maintaining her sanity left no room for her to deal with trying to "own" someone. This came spilling out when I decided one evening too tell her about some thoughts I had been having; in sum I told her I felt like this was the proper place for me, it felt right being her slave, growing dependent on diapers, not being allowed to get off...ever if it pleased her, and that I would be ok with her cuckolding me down the road. This open from the heart at the time confession was met me a road block. She explained she didn't have time, that it wasn't worth the work and how it was really hard for her to have to constantly think about things to "do to me" and that she just wasn't feeling it. I really could not argue with her over this, I truly didn't have a say, so I said "alright...its over". She went on for an hour saying "I know your mad", "I'm Sorry!",  "Your going to leave me for some women in leather who beats you and keeps you locked up", and so on. That night; I was a little sad, and that sadness was something I could not understand.
Why do I have a reason to be sad I thought? Full freedom, I can get off when I want to, I can do what I want, when I want, no humiliation, no sore bottom, no long hours in bondage...am I insane for being sad?! I decided to just let it go, there was really nothing I could do anyways; I truly could not blame her for her reasons; she's beyond busy, and maybe then it just wasn't good time "Life happens". I tried to just push everything out of my head, I told her I was going to attempt to sell some of our things; cases of diapers, my Mature metal jail bird, etc. She quickly told me not to sell any of it, so I let that go as well.  I did cancel the straight jacket which I had ordered for her, she always talked about wanting one and I decided it would be one of her christmas presents. Anyways as I was saying over the past month she has made little comments here and there "after the honeymoon no more freedom" "when I start again you have no idea what your in for" "I'm going to lock you back up in the morning" "Im going to lock your ass in the closet with a dildo in your ass and one in your mouth" and so on. Maybe once the wedding stuff calms down she will want to get back into it, I oddly say "I hope so" and I'm still trying to grasp why.
Everyday I find myself thinking about various aspects of this lifestyle, how I miss them, how it felt right, how I feel like we connected on a much deeper level, how happy she seemed and a look in her eye and rays of confidence which I've never seen her have. I suppose in my mind if I was a women, had the chance to reverse roles with my husband, use him to perform all domestic duties and then some, have him at my whims to do anything I pleased, not hear a complaint and in time start sleeping with other guys freely I'd be jumping for that chance! I suppose that's what confuses me, but I assume I'll know in time.  I have these "visions" of how I hope our relationship evolves, and find myself thinking about them through out the day. Why do these thoughts keep surfacing? Why do I want my wife to degrade me to a point where I'm her full time sissy slave? That's not normal! It's a lot of emotions, and I'm still struggling trying to understand them. Yet I guess some things can't be explained.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I hope everyone had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving, I know I can speak for both of us when I say we have a lot to be thankful for in our home. We spent the day at her parents house with her family, and the day couldn't have been better. As for the D/s side of things, I've been locked the entire time (during the daytime when I'm not diapered anyway) since I returned from my trip. The day after Thanksgiving I traveled north to spend time with my family, she ended up making the drive as well. I laid down long before she did, and of course when I looked in her over night bag she brought a diaper. I was exhausted and fell asleep with my jail bird still locked on, something which never happens. I honestly wouldn't mind sleeping in my chastity device, because I know I can't trust myself to NOT attempt to get off. I mean, isn't that the point of a device? One can't expect a young male to have a mental chastity device, that doesn't exist! Thats why I bought her those high end locking panties from fetware.com, because in the past when I got really horny I have and would get off by undoing my diaper enough to be able to "grab it". The first night she had these I was hoping she would put them on, yet the chain jingled and instead of attempting to make the chain shorter or silencing it; she just put them up and said we would use the other pair at night...ugh (trying to help you here). Back to the prior night, I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep with no real struggle, waking up only once to the throbbing of the pull out pin digging into the top of my friend. Then, she crawled into bed and began grabbing me, then proceeded to unlock my device (not complaining). The play became stronger and I could tell she was as horny as it gets...then she pulled me inside her and I asked "Um...what are you doing?" her reply was simple "I'm drunk, and I'm horny". The next 15 minutes were absolutely wonderful, and all of the "crazy thoughts" I had been having the past few days washed away completely. In my eyes, it was the best sex we had ever had, for me anyway. I didn't get off inside her, so she told me to go ahead and "finish" into a towel. When I did waves of pleasure hit me like a typhoon, and the submissive switch turned off! I was jerked away from sub-space which I was close to entering and I was about of satisfied as I could be. "Let me get your diaper now" she said after I finished, I talked her out of it and we passed out for the rest of the night.  Why on earth did she do that? I mean, I knew she wasn't super serious back in the rhythm yet, bet I mean...sex?! I was and still am shocked. Not complaining by any means yet after I started to think, am I sad I got off? Since all of the small submissive thoughts I had (and they were very few since we really haven't been very, active, in the lifestyle) simply vanished into thin air. The next morning the device went back on, yet there was no emotion to it, I wasn't "happy or sad" it was going back on, really apathetic to the whole situation. I guess that's the bad thing about getting off, and I understand why dommes who are serious about having a slave, rarely if ever let them get off. It makes you loose all desire to do anything, luckily though we haven't been doing much so I suppose it's ok.
I mentioned "crazy thoughts" a moment ago, and those all washed away. Obviously as of late I haven't been getting off, also as of late she really hasn't been engaging in this lifestyle; I've felt likes it's just chastity and diapers...on loop...with no meaning. In the past I've spoke how this used to drive me insane, it happened once and I almost went mad. The holidays are a busy time of year, and a wedding takes ALOT of time to plan, so I understand the absence I've seen and I'm not complaining by any means. Yet this may have a lot to do with the thoughts I've been having, since the steam that's building up by being in chastity has no where to go, and no substance behind it. Last time the steam was powering the engine which was me being her maid, I felt like something was being accomplished, and that my frustration had a purpose, because I had a means of using it, does that make sense? The thoughts I've had have coincided with what she originally said her goal was, yet I fully don't think those are her true goals. I was so frustrated last week from a sexual level and from the fact that sexual frustration had no where to go, or be used I wanted to go insane. The crazy thoughts I will list below:
1. That I wanted this to be full time job. What I mean is I wanted this to become my role in the home, that my vanilla life inside my home was gone, like it was last time. I wanted her to become strict and controlling yet with a purpose, I wanted a longterm goal to be set and begin the journey to obtaining it.
2. I wanted to go back into more humiliating situations, and a more humiliating lifestyle since that was what drove me last time to do the best job I could. That's what made me actually afraid to piss her off or not listen, it's what truly drove me into "sub space". More humiliating could mean a number of things, listen all bathroom privileges, feminizing me and turning me into a "sissy". I know she's stated she didn't enjoy that, I didn't particularly either but I think it had a lot of power over me, and it truly was the only thing which felt like an actual role reversal.
3. I wanted her to be in complete control, with a purpose of course. And I wanted her to begin to enjoy it again, and obtain the confidence she had when she had me on the tip of her finger. I feel last time she only had this for a few weeks at best, before she ended everything due to stress.
4. I wanted her to make this my new life, and to aim towards one release a year. I new this would make me become so dedicated and committed, it would make me truly a slave/maid to her. And it would prepare me for the final thing.
5. I wanted for her to be as happy as she could be through this life, and with the one release a year, and I had been trained and molded into a real maid dependent on diapers; I'd want her to still experience real sex, and I feel then I would be much more ok with cuckolding. She's said in a few years she'd possibly look into it, yet to me it's not really about humiliation, more about her being happy down the road. When I honestly think about it, ones only source of sexual satisfaction shouldn't be someone who pisses there self, scrubs the house in heals, and who you bend over the bed and fuck and who sleeps in a cage. I would want her to have the option of obtaining real sex. I'd go ballistic if she tried that today; because I'm not in the mindset. I have a feeling if I was that dependent on her, I would be.
6. The last thing I wanted was a no-way-out commitment for a set period of time, if she was going to pursue this "hard-core" as she calls it, I would want us to set a time frame like "In one year we can discuss stopping this, but until then...your the slave of the house" because I think I have a problem with weaseling out of situations, I'm good at it and that would prevent it.
I know, those sound odd. It freaked me out when I started having them, and I know I can't top from the bottom, which is why I never told her about these thoughts. I truly don't understand why I was having them. When I was talking to a friend online who is also submissive he/she (sissy) said "Maybe because deep down you know it's where you belong, and where you could make her the most happy". She got angry last night and said within the week "we have to start hardcore, because your not listening to anything I say, and It's driving me insane". So I've said it a hundred times on here...."we'll see" .... but it is the holidays! And I LOVE this time of the year, giving is my favorite thing in the world...maybe that's why I think this process will be the best, because it's such a selfless thing to do. I'm ok with everything right now because we just spent the day decorating for Christmas and the house looks great!  Ready for Christmas to be here, giving her gifts might be my favorite thing to do for her, she deserves a lot of things she can't afford right now, and I take it upon myself to give them to her.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thankful for diaper changes!

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for an unexpected diaper change before bed :) will update on the morrow.