My Current Thoughts

It's been a good while since I've gotten on my blog since I shut it down around a month ago. I truly am sorry to those of you who enjoyed reading my post, shutting it down was selfish, childish, and an impulse which stemmed from a conversation with my fiancé which put yet another halt on our FLR lifestyle.  Around six weeks ago I could tell she was fading, work has persisted to stress her out, the holidays made it worse, and trying to plan our wedding all the while maintaining her sanity left no room for her to deal with trying to "own" someone. This came spilling out when I decided one evening too tell her about some thoughts I had been having; in sum I told her I felt like this was the proper place for me, it felt right being her slave, growing dependent on diapers, not being allowed to get off...ever if it pleased her, and that I would be ok with her cuckolding me down the road. This open from the heart at the time confession was met me a road block. She explained she didn't have time, that it wasn't worth the work and how it was really hard for her to have to constantly think about things to "do to me" and that she just wasn't feeling it. I really could not argue with her over this, I truly didn't have a say, so I said "alright...its over". She went on for an hour saying "I know your mad", "I'm Sorry!",  "Your going to leave me for some women in leather who beats you and keeps you locked up", and so on. That night; I was a little sad, and that sadness was something I could not understand.
Why do I have a reason to be sad I thought? Full freedom, I can get off when I want to, I can do what I want, when I want, no humiliation, no sore bottom, no long hours in bondage...am I insane for being sad?! I decided to just let it go, there was really nothing I could do anyways; I truly could not blame her for her reasons; she's beyond busy, and maybe then it just wasn't good time "Life happens". I tried to just push everything out of my head, I told her I was going to attempt to sell some of our things; cases of diapers, my Mature metal jail bird, etc. She quickly told me not to sell any of it, so I let that go as well.  I did cancel the straight jacket which I had ordered for her, she always talked about wanting one and I decided it would be one of her christmas presents. Anyways as I was saying over the past month she has made little comments here and there "after the honeymoon no more freedom" "when I start again you have no idea what your in for" "I'm going to lock you back up in the morning" "Im going to lock your ass in the closet with a dildo in your ass and one in your mouth" and so on. Maybe once the wedding stuff calms down she will want to get back into it, I oddly say "I hope so" and I'm still trying to grasp why.
Everyday I find myself thinking about various aspects of this lifestyle, how I miss them, how it felt right, how I feel like we connected on a much deeper level, how happy she seemed and a look in her eye and rays of confidence which I've never seen her have. I suppose in my mind if I was a women, had the chance to reverse roles with my husband, use him to perform all domestic duties and then some, have him at my whims to do anything I pleased, not hear a complaint and in time start sleeping with other guys freely I'd be jumping for that chance! I suppose that's what confuses me, but I assume I'll know in time.  I have these "visions" of how I hope our relationship evolves, and find myself thinking about them through out the day. Why do these thoughts keep surfacing? Why do I want my wife to degrade me to a point where I'm her full time sissy slave? That's not normal! It's a lot of emotions, and I'm still struggling trying to understand them. Yet I guess some things can't be explained.