Why on earth am I letting this happen to me?!

I need thicker for night time, maybe this?

One thing that's apparent; I need new diapers. The Abena Abri-Form M4 X-plus are thick, bulky, and hold a lot, yet they aren't getting the job done for me at night, they leak each morning. I never thought I'd say this but I'm scared they will become my daytime diapers soon, despite the bulge they produce. I'm going to talk to Mistress and see if she's ok with my switching to Molicare Super Plus during the night; though she wanted me in Cushies next (the diapers with the blue baby print all over them that ride extra high in the back). Either those or we're going to have to get some soaker pads for the abena's. In one of my first post I reference when Mistress kept me in the same diaper for almost two days while feeding me bulk laxatives; those diapers did not leak. What she had done was taken two abena's and placed them on top of each other; the fact I could barley walk drove me insane but I don't know what else to do. I know if she wakes up and the bed is wet because of me, there will be a crib in the house by the end of the day and I really want to stem that for as long as possible. I do thank you for continuing to visit my blog during this time of transition, I can assure you we will be back into full gear by the end of the week. It's strange though because I really don't feel like I'm getting a break and thats all my own fault! I actually think I'm working harder, last night for example I cooked dinner, did the dishes, swept and mopped the entire house and had no "me time".  She asked me to do none of those things, so it's kind of like I'm still her maid just not in heels, uniform, chains, and the rest of the get up. I would actually argue I'm more productive during this time off. I think I could make an argument with Mistress telling her I will be a much better maid if I don't have to wear heels and chains or a posture collar! I have the slight feeling she's not going to go for that sadly. I guess that's why I keep working so hard cleaning this week, I actually enjoy it when I'm free to move about the home comfortably.  It is very strange though; not being spanked daily, no files for hours on end, no maid uniform, no feminizing....it's so nice to not feel like I'm going to a second job when I get off of work! Though I know this is going to end very, very soon and I'll be back to reality...and I'm ok with that I think. Do I miss it? I wouldn't go that far....I do miss a few of my files, and the relaxation I got from them.  But if Mistress said I got to take another week long break I most certainly wouldn't cry; trust me that's not going to happen.
I suppose I want to take this post to explain myself due to a conversation I had this morning when another local domme messaged me and asked me a question. The question can be simply put as "Why on God's earth do you let her do all of these things to you?!". I think it's important to explain my position her as to extinguish any fears or concerns certain readers might have down the road. We love each other, like alot...it's almost humorous. We've both been very faithful to each other, and have lived a healthy relationship for several years. So why then do I let her somewhat abuse, humiliate, degrade, beat, punish, and ridicule me day in and day out? Why on earth do I let her subject me to these humiliating circumstances? Am I crazy? No. So why then have I agreed to this process when it's been so terrible being in my shoes thus far (and the funny thing is the worst and hardest parts haven't even begun)?

Getting Mistress a fitted steel collar soon

I always viewed myself as the dominant one in any relationship, I never knew I had this inner submission until my girlfriend clicked the lock shut on our very first chastity device over a year ago. Even at that point in time I did not fully understand I was a submissive; because I was doing whatever it took to "beat" my chastity and be in control. I'm the kind of person who wants, needs, and must be in control regardless of the situation; I need to know whats going on, whats going to happen so I can adjust accordingly. This drive is what I accredit my success and motivation thus far in life with, whether it be by means of education or work or money. So it truly doesn't make sense for me to put up with being her bitch does it? It really doesn't make sense that I'm the one getting fucked in the bed room now. We'll to me, I'm finding out more and more it's starting to become clear; why I'm truly a submissive. I was forced to be in control for many years, I had to in order to survive and meet my goals. Even through work I was forced to take control and manage people for a living, I was good at it. Yet I noticed one thing I had then I don't have now...stress. The stress would always pile on me, the pressure of keeping the bar as high as I had raise it at work truly was the kicker. It drove me mad. And I began to focus so heavily on making sure everything was perfect; I neglected my personal life and my family. Now I'm not in control, my girl friend is happier than ever, I see my family much more often and I have no worries. I don't even have to worry about getting up in the night to pee! Joking aside though, I do not enjoy every aspect of what I'm going through; I truly don't think I'm suppose to. But what I do enjoy is being submissive and giving up all control to her; if some humiliation and degradation comes from that; so be it. Im ok with it. If I had a choice would I like to be able to get off at my own leisure? Yes, but I know this is for the better. I know she's much happier that she is the one in control, because to be blunt she's never been good at being in control and it's an important skill to learn. She is supposed to make all the decisions in our home now with the exception of financial (my if she was in control of my investments I'd die). She still ask me on ideas of dinner, and I try my best to reiterate to her these are now her decisions. In sum please understand it's the submission I'm comfortable with, the other things are all products of that submission and I cannot pick and choose. This may sound funny since Mistress keeps talking about sending me to a professional to help break me in, to help me find my submissive state. I too still want this to since I'm having such a hard to viewing her as a Mistress, and view her as my girlfriend instead.

Debbie