It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I hope everyone had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving, I know I can speak for both of us when I say we have a lot to be thankful for in our home. We spent the day at her parents house with her family, and the day couldn't have been better. As for the D/s side of things, I've been locked the entire time (during the daytime when I'm not diapered anyway) since I returned from my trip. The day after Thanksgiving I traveled north to spend time with my family, she ended up making the drive as well. I laid down long before she did, and of course when I looked in her over night bag she brought a diaper. I was exhausted and fell asleep with my jail bird still locked on, something which never happens. I honestly wouldn't mind sleeping in my chastity device, because I know I can't trust myself to NOT attempt to get off. I mean, isn't that the point of a device? One can't expect a young male to have a mental chastity device, that doesn't exist! Thats why I bought her those high end locking panties from fetware.com, because in the past when I got really horny I have and would get off by undoing my diaper enough to be able to "grab it". The first night she had these I was hoping she would put them on, yet the chain jingled and instead of attempting to make the chain shorter or silencing it; she just put them up and said we would use the other pair at night...ugh (trying to help you here). Back to the prior night, I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep with no real struggle, waking up only once to the throbbing of the pull out pin digging into the top of my friend. Then, she crawled into bed and began grabbing me, then proceeded to unlock my device (not complaining). The play became stronger and I could tell she was as horny as it gets...then she pulled me inside her and I asked "Um...what are you doing?" her reply was simple "I'm drunk, and I'm horny". The next 15 minutes were absolutely wonderful, and all of the "crazy thoughts" I had been having the past few days washed away completely. In my eyes, it was the best sex we had ever had, for me anyway. I didn't get off inside her, so she told me to go ahead and "finish" into a towel. When I did waves of pleasure hit me like a typhoon, and the submissive switch turned off! I was jerked away from sub-space which I was close to entering and I was about of satisfied as I could be. "Let me get your diaper now" she said after I finished, I talked her out of it and we passed out for the rest of the night.  Why on earth did she do that? I mean, I knew she wasn't super serious back in the rhythm yet, bet I mean...sex?! I was and still am shocked. Not complaining by any means yet after I started to think, am I sad I got off? Since all of the small submissive thoughts I had (and they were very few since we really haven't been very, active, in the lifestyle) simply vanished into thin air. The next morning the device went back on, yet there was no emotion to it, I wasn't "happy or sad" it was going back on, really apathetic to the whole situation. I guess that's the bad thing about getting off, and I understand why dommes who are serious about having a slave, rarely if ever let them get off. It makes you loose all desire to do anything, luckily though we haven't been doing much so I suppose it's ok.
I mentioned "crazy thoughts" a moment ago, and those all washed away. Obviously as of late I haven't been getting off, also as of late she really hasn't been engaging in this lifestyle; I've felt likes it's just chastity and diapers...on loop...with no meaning. In the past I've spoke how this used to drive me insane, it happened once and I almost went mad. The holidays are a busy time of year, and a wedding takes ALOT of time to plan, so I understand the absence I've seen and I'm not complaining by any means. Yet this may have a lot to do with the thoughts I've been having, since the steam that's building up by being in chastity has no where to go, and no substance behind it. Last time the steam was powering the engine which was me being her maid, I felt like something was being accomplished, and that my frustration had a purpose, because I had a means of using it, does that make sense? The thoughts I've had have coincided with what she originally said her goal was, yet I fully don't think those are her true goals. I was so frustrated last week from a sexual level and from the fact that sexual frustration had no where to go, or be used I wanted to go insane. The crazy thoughts I will list below:
1. That I wanted this to be full time job. What I mean is I wanted this to become my role in the home, that my vanilla life inside my home was gone, like it was last time. I wanted her to become strict and controlling yet with a purpose, I wanted a longterm goal to be set and begin the journey to obtaining it.
2. I wanted to go back into more humiliating situations, and a more humiliating lifestyle since that was what drove me last time to do the best job I could. That's what made me actually afraid to piss her off or not listen, it's what truly drove me into "sub space". More humiliating could mean a number of things, listen all bathroom privileges, feminizing me and turning me into a "sissy". I know she's stated she didn't enjoy that, I didn't particularly either but I think it had a lot of power over me, and it truly was the only thing which felt like an actual role reversal.
3. I wanted her to be in complete control, with a purpose of course. And I wanted her to begin to enjoy it again, and obtain the confidence she had when she had me on the tip of her finger. I feel last time she only had this for a few weeks at best, before she ended everything due to stress.
4. I wanted her to make this my new life, and to aim towards one release a year. I new this would make me become so dedicated and committed, it would make me truly a slave/maid to her. And it would prepare me for the final thing.
5. I wanted for her to be as happy as she could be through this life, and with the one release a year, and I had been trained and molded into a real maid dependent on diapers; I'd want her to still experience real sex, and I feel then I would be much more ok with cuckolding. She's said in a few years she'd possibly look into it, yet to me it's not really about humiliation, more about her being happy down the road. When I honestly think about it, ones only source of sexual satisfaction shouldn't be someone who pisses there self, scrubs the house in heals, and who you bend over the bed and fuck and who sleeps in a cage. I would want her to have the option of obtaining real sex. I'd go ballistic if she tried that today; because I'm not in the mindset. I have a feeling if I was that dependent on her, I would be.
6. The last thing I wanted was a no-way-out commitment for a set period of time, if she was going to pursue this "hard-core" as she calls it, I would want us to set a time frame like "In one year we can discuss stopping this, but until then...your the slave of the house" because I think I have a problem with weaseling out of situations, I'm good at it and that would prevent it.
I know, those sound odd. It freaked me out when I started having them, and I know I can't top from the bottom, which is why I never told her about these thoughts. I truly don't understand why I was having them. When I was talking to a friend online who is also submissive he/she (sissy) said "Maybe because deep down you know it's where you belong, and where you could make her the most happy". She got angry last night and said within the week "we have to start hardcore, because your not listening to anything I say, and It's driving me insane". So I've said it a hundred times on here...."we'll see" .... but it is the holidays! And I LOVE this time of the year, giving is my favorite thing in the world...maybe that's why I think this process will be the best, because it's such a selfless thing to do. I'm ok with everything right now because we just spent the day decorating for Christmas and the house looks great!  Ready for Christmas to be here, giving her gifts might be my favorite thing to do for her, she deserves a lot of things she can't afford right now, and I take it upon myself to give them to her.

Thankful for diaper changes!

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for an unexpected diaper change before bed :) will update on the morrow.

A Slave in the making

I don't have to dress up like this! Yay!

Let me apologize, I can assure you this will not be the time between post! November has been a very different month since I was gone two weeks ago on vacation (as I hinted at in my last post). Well last week I was traveling across the country for work and arrived home this past Friday. My Fiancee...Mistress???? (she's not to the point of making me call her anything, I'm sure that will come later) was waiting for me at the terminal when I landed home. It was so nice to see her, I missed her dearly and she missed me. With the flying I was not in chastity during my trip, and despite her attempts I did not pack any diapers...freedom!!!!!! well, too much honestly. I did jack off a few times while I was bored in the hotel, and I truly did feel bad, bad enough I was honest with her when I got home and she asked me about it. Of course she was not happy, but I mean...isnt the point of a chastity device to prevent that...my mind isn't a chastity device!!! My mind is the mind of guy, not an obedient submissive....even during my last stint in chastity when she was very consistent, the only time I came into a truly submissive place was when I was dressed up, locked up, and in a humiliating position. The diapers I'm getting used to, I know they aren't going away...ever during this process, so if she sees me diapered its the new normal, the maid stuff was never normal. I'm sure I'll get more submissive as I get hornier and she gets more back into the swing of things, which she slowly is.

Two days before I was due to leave she wanted me diapered early in the evening, she placed me in two Abri-forms and put my "panties" on over them.  It seemed I wet them immediately and messed them within the hour, by the time bed time came around I was waddling around the house and they began to swell a fair amount. I pouted going to bed, I hate sleeping in a messy diaper...it always seems she's happier when she knows I'm sitting in filth. I wet through out the night, more than likely without knowing and when I awoke the next day it was beyond full and swelled to it's fullest size. "Please can you change me" I asked in calm voice, "No...your going to leave them on for awhile, it will help you get used to them...go make some breakfast for us and we can discuss your dirty diaper after the house is clean". FINALLY a little before lunch I got a very embarrassing diaper change, it always is when I mess.

Back to arriving home from my work trip, she put me in chastity as soon as I got home and spanked me when I told her I had jacked off. It wasn't a bad spanking, it didn't hurt, she was using her hand so I presume it hurt her worse than me. She changed the lock on my Mature Metal Jail bird to a hardened master lock which I tried cutting in the past with bolt cutters and failed, I've also ordered a longer spiked pin for my chastity device with will make getting off impossible without cutting myself (so I won't be getting off). I also just ordered her a pair of locking plastic panties... we need another pair and she needs the option of forcing me to stay in them, I suppose I'll call it an early stocking stuffer :)

Later Friday Evening she diapered me and spanked me again for jacking off, again it didn't hurt...I suppose she forgot where her wooden spoon is haha. For some reason my stomach was giving me major problems and I could not stop going! It was terrible, she looked on with a evil grin "Your getting used to them pretty fast this time...it won't take long at all..." and she left it with that. There is a strange sense of comfort in them next to her, maybe I feel vulnerable, or ashamed, I'm not sure but I slept like a baby (no pun intended). The next morning I was a mess and I whined about wearing them, of course they stayed on until the house was clean and finally came off early afternoon on Saturday. We had a busy day of running errands and dinner with my family Saturday night, nothing out of the ordinary when we got home, my cage came off and she diapered me. Then I said something that pissed her off and the next thing I knew she had me in the closet sitting on the floor. She chained and locked each of my arm to respective side of the closet, opening the door again she placed the large ball gag in my mouth and blind folded me. "Do NOT talk back to me anymore, stay in here for a few hours and think about it"....sigh the time went by rather fast and I was let out. My diaper was wet at that point and we sat on the bed and I asked her if she would explain this new "go with chastity to me". So she did and what came out of the conversation was what follows:

Her wedding present...

"Your not having sex with me until the wedding, and maybe the honeymoon...I'll be fucking you on those nights as well. You need to enjoy those times because after that no more sex for you, unless your taking my strap on up your ass. Right now I'm slowly getting back into this, the wedding is causing me to be very busy. After christmas your going to start living a much more slave appropriate lifestyle, in regards to your privileges, what you can and can't do, where you can and can't sit...where you crawl, and some training to get your positions back. The diapers are here to stay, after christmas you go in them 24/7, and I mean that, even to work, no more toilet. In time your going to develop incontinence, don't worry that's part of my plan. I want you sleeping in a cage before new years eve...because on new years eve your going to be sitting in a nice full diaper in your cage while I go out and party. Your going to be sleeping in a cage every night, it will be in the closet more than likely, maybe next to me if your good. Im not going to feminize you fully, I don't want to...but I could change my mind, I will turn you into a girl if your bad. And if you really piss me off I will dress you up and take you to the mall...don't test me...you know Marla works there (her best friend) and she knows all about your little dick cage. So. Behave. After the new year your going to be in full time slave mode, where you'll stay. Right now I can't see you getting off for pleasure, you blew that. So I'm going to milk you every two weeks, I'll also be fucking you a lot more soon; a few times a week. Down the road I may cuckold you, that's at least a year or two away."

Though I think she's bluffing on cuckolding I know she's serious on the rest, and I'm ok with it. I know in a year from now she will have me back to being a sissy. She still calls me debbie, makes me wear panties (even though I'm still getting away with boxers) and so on, so we will see. I think if we get to the point where we are both happy with where we are at with this process and she cuckolds me, she will have me molded into a full blown sissy maid. Right now I think her goal is to mold me into her submissive...we will she how it goes.

Feedback is welcome!

Goodnight!

Deb

Horny, Cages, and whats to come.

Well I got back in town from vacation today, it was nice to be able to spend some time with my fiancé since she's been so busy with work and wedding planning. I was anxious to get my chastity cage off, sleeping in it last night proved difficult, I'm almost ready to go ahead and get the arch, I know I will be much more comfortable once I get used to it. Well there was no talk of anything else this evening, so even though she said it's "started" to me it still feels like it hasn't. I know before too long I'll be wishing it hadn't started, but I doubt I will let those thoughts service this time; and rather embrace it as my new life, from here on out. When I think about what that entails it's hard to believe, right now anyway, that's the course I'm on. Am laying in "her" bed right now as she's started to call it, instead of a "cage". For some reason I've thought a lot about that lately, the cage which will stay in the master bedroom. I honestly think it will help me grasp this more quickly, maybe because it's submissive to sleep in a cage every night, not being able to sleep with her anymore, or very often. Or maybe it's because I know it's going to give her a huge amount of control during the night; normally the only time I'm free. In the past the night time is when I would get out of bed once she fell asleep; eat, smoke, do whatever, even get off at times because I was free to do so. Now those bad habits can't surface again, and the control levels will be much higher, which honestly will be for the best. She found her spare key today, she kept it tapped in several pieces of paper so she could be able to tell if I tampered with it.  Well lets say it was clear that I had tampered with it...she was not surprised, but she was also not happy. Not sure if what she decided next had anything to do with it or not, but when she diapered me for bed, she made slits in the first one and put another one over the top of it. "Waddle time! This is my favorite, its seriously adorable... walk around for me, now" she said admiring her work. Well I did't walk around for her, didn't want her to sit there and just laugh, and I didn't get in trouble for not walking around, so I suppose all is good. Except for the fact she told me they would be staying on until tomorrow...night...when she gets off work...at...7:30pm. She put them on at 8:30pm tonight, not looking forward to that. Even then she said we can discuss when she gets home, when they will come off. I have a feeling they are going to look like marshmallows by noon tomorrow (They are Abena M4 X Plus by the way, bulky enough on there own). What worries me is how much she likes how thick they are.
I started this post the night before, yesterday came and the diaper was beyond heavy by morning, and nature called rather quickly and I was dreading spending the day in a full, messy diaper which was forcing me to waddle around the house. Thankfully she called me around 10am, she left her engagement ring at home and wanted me to bring it to her at work and do lunch with her, which meant I got to take off the diaper! I put my cage on when I took it off, I could have jacked off but I didn't... I knew it would hit my reset button in regards to me being submissive. Lunch was good, I believe if I was only in one diaper she wouldn't have let me change and made me go out diapered (something she has still yet to make me do). Anyways I tiddied up the house, no uniform or heals were required so I was thankful...though to be honest I'm ready to get all that stuff over with, I still need to order a corset for her to complete my outfit. She also expressed how she needs to start making me more outfits, so I won't wear the same one on a daily basis.
Last night while we were laying down I asked her what all she wanted, regardless of price, to make this time successful. In the past she had always said this is an expensive hobby, but this time it's different since it won't be a hobby; it will be our life. The top of her list was a cage for me to sleep in, the 54 inch long dog cage meant for german shepherds is too big she said "I don't want you to be super comfortable, the next size down will work, I can still leave you in it for long periods of time". So this week I will be buying her a dog cage, locks for the door, bedding for the bottom and it should be suitable for my new sleeping arrangements. I think this is going to have a huge impact on me mentally; and it will begin to start setting me in my place. The next thing she want's is a straight jacket (max-cita), she's explained she needs something to be able to keep me in bondage in any location; quickly. She want's a good mask, not a cheap one; there is a silicon or latex mask which has a female doll face she fell in love with when she first came across it, I'm currently looking for that. She still wants the milking machine and of course my wedding present to her; the neosteel arch or she male. She added she wants a solid leather harness for her strap on; one that will last years and a larger dildo for it.
My goal is to have all of these things to her by our wedding date which is doable. I think she needs all the tools by then, so everything goes smoothly. Im noticing though she still isn't strict, not as "dominant" as before and I really don't have any rules. Which is ok by me at this point, because I know when they come I'll pout. This morning was a perfect example; we got in a very stupid argument and I figured she would have snapped and "punished me", either with the spoon or leaving me in the dreaded "room" all day or when she got home or something. Well it didn't happen, which reinforced that this whole process...as much as she says it has...hasn't truly "begun". I know it will in time, we are having a "training day" soon, she wants to teach me to clean properly and show me what she expects. Also go over some of the commands "sit, kneel, greet, worship" etc.  I did ask her what would happen if when this starts, her friends were to come over "your going to serve us...in your maid attire...in your diaper...what else would you do? When your not serving us and your not of use you'll either be on the floor like a dog, or locked up listening to your files...just depends on my mood". Right now I'm sitting in bed typing and she's in the kitchen with her co workers drinking, so the thoughts crossed my mind "what IF you were serving them in a diaper right now...?!" The levels of humiliation would be out the roof, I'd probably cry. We talked about it and she said the first time in front of someone will be the hardest, then it won't be as bad when they come over. She's also talked briefly about a babysitter when she's away once we get further down the line.
All I know is I'm horny as it gets, and it's been less than a week! I can't keep my hands off of her, especially her ass (which I'm normally not allowed to touch, sure that will kick in soon). She know's I'm horny and has said somethings I didn't like hearing "The fact you can't get off me when your in your chastity cage shows me you were jacking off constantly". "Why didn't you just have sex with me when you had the chance? You blew it, you had your opportunity, now you don't get that anymore. If you want sex, I'll get my strap on and do you".  When she's said these things it's reinforced to me why this process is happening, and why it's the right place for me. I did blow it, I should have had sex with her a lot more. And now I'm not only going to pay for it, it's going to change my life. Last night I told her I didn't think cuckolding would be good "But your not going to be manly enough for me soon, and by then you'll be so submissive and such a sissy you'll understand... plus I don't want to have sex with someone sitting in a pee soaked diaper!" I know this process will be best, a female led marriage is guaranteed success and happiness for her, which is all that matters. And the cage between my legs is a constant reminder of the privilege I lost, and won't get back.

Good Night

The Lock has clicked.

Well my chastity device has been locked back on, apparently for good this time. Only time will tell if that is truly the case. As I posted we are getting married in 6-7 months, naturally the planning and preparations are going to come fast and our lives are going to be a little hectic leading up to the date. We've had some discussions about how this new chapter in our lives and in the Ds lifestyle will unfold, yet not enough to hash out the details and ease my wandering mind. Her mind is on the wedding, as is mine yet mine is also consumed with the cage I'm wearing; those in chastity understand this very well.
A few nights ago (I've been diapered everynight for the past week) we had a brief discussion about it, sadly she was exhausted and passed out before we could finish. I admitted that last time I had figured out how to get off in my chastity device (pull out pin too short, longer one in now) and that I was getting off on a regular basis. I told her she messed up when she would I've into my whining and pleas, when she was afraid of hurrying me... I knew I could manipulate situations to make the process easier for me...and I had an excuse for everything. I laid everything out, because I knew this time it had to be different, for her sake. During the conversation I asked if she wanted to make our marriage a female led one. If she wanted to be in control of her husband, if keeping him as a 24/7 submissive would make her happy, if she had a live in maid,  in a chastity device which would truly keep him chaste (she wants an arch as my wedding present to her). I even told her down the road I'd be ok with cuckolding if she was serious. She agreed she wanted these things, and that it would make her happy to have all of those things. I explained if she truly wanted them, I would give them too her,  Because I do love her. So now that the chastity device is locked back on, I feel like I'm back to giving her control completely, at a time when I'm not sure she will even have the time to pay attention to me, much less lead the relationship and begin to mold and establish order in a female led relationship. I hope I'm wrong, I simply don't want to be stuck in the limbo somewhere between our normal relationship...and the new one, especially since I would be the only one in limbo.
It's not so much I'm eager to become a full time "slave", it would be much more comfortable to continue on my current path, being lazy, not doing anything around the house, getting off whenever I want, and not having to listen to anyone. But I know how I processed this last time; it takes me ALONG time until I get in to what I call "sub space". Sub space is where I listen, I'll do whatever she ask out of fear of getting in trouble. I enter this mind set where I'm proud when she praises me and except my place in the relationship, completely. I don't mind being chained to the bed for hours listening to hypnosis when I'm in sub space, the strap-on starts to feel good, I feel I deserve the punishments I get, etc. I rarely entered subspace last time, because I found a way to get off, getting off was the reset button. But it took her being consistent, diligent, and dedicated in order to get me to that place, life is simply much better when I was in sub space (as a slave). The journey to that place is the part that's not fun, I always felt when she was going to send me to another domme; that it would quickly jolt me into that place, that never happened last time sadly.
The reason that trip never happened was multiple other female dominants, she felt, were trying to tell her how to run her relationship. She got very frustrated at this, so she never sent me away and stopped talking to the both of them. Looking back I don't think they were trying to tell her how to run her life, more they were trying to help her succeed in this lifestyle, because it was new for her and myself. This concerned me somewhat, because at least from what I could see, she was much more confident and in control when she would be talking to them. She needs to have someone to discuss the lifestyle with, it's healthy. I hope she realizes this and try's and works things out, or meet new ones anyway.  I simply want this to be successful, I want her to be beyond happy, I want to be the giver of that happiness. I want her to have full complete control, to gain all the confidence that comes along with it, and the joy of having someone that dedicated to you, that's yours. I want her to know when she closes her eyes at night, that the person in the cage in the closet, or corner or wherever it is thinks that highly of her, enough to give her his entire life. I know this kind of a relationship can be beyond successful in a marriage, I've read countless stories, talked to a lot of people, and even her friend whose the dominant who lives out of state; who has a wonderful relationship with her husband, who happens to also be her sissy slave.   I suppose I'm anxious, because my device is already locked on. I just want to make her happy, and I want to get the initial shell shock, over with.

Goodnight

Aiming toward the future...

Well as my last post states; we are engaged and we couldn't be more excited about it; I truly do love her more than anything. And I am a lucky person to call her mine. I apologize for vanishing, life got really stressful for her and I knew I wanted to propose, so I suggested a break and she agreed. We stopped everything and my chastity device began to collect dust and my bladder started to get stronger, and the house just a little bit dirtier! I'll be honest,' I didn't want to propose wearing a diaper , or with a plug in me. I wanted us to be "normal" during the proposal...Then that got me thinking, who constitutes what is our normal?
Since we stopped living the life style I did notice a few things, I was resorting back to my old habits, and even though I had access to all the sex I wanted, I didn't take advantage of it. I found myself becoming lazy again, not something I'm really proud to admit. A few days after the proposal she found a rag I had jacked off in, I wasn't honest with her about it and she knew exactly what it was. "I think we need to put the cage back on, you know I HATE it when you do that behind my back."It was the first mention of chastity in along time, I didn't argue with her. A few minutes later she turned on the closet light and walked to my side of the bed, opening my eyes I could see she was holding a diaper. I didn't even try to argue, rolling to the other side of the bed after she placed the diaper on me. "Don't be mad you knew this could happen again any day...we never stopped for good". I awoke with a soaking wet diaper, funny how quickly things returned. After a long day at work I returned home to and enjoyed a lovely evening relaxing with my soon to be wife, laying down before bed the topic arose of "what was to come" through this next run of female led relationship. She said after Christmas and when the wedding planning was over she would begin to do more; such as wav files and such. She did say several surprising things such as; Im not going to turn you into a girl, I wont feminize you and so on. "So I don't have to wear a maids outfit, shave my legs, or wear heels?" I said with some joy, "I never said that, you never know when I'll change my mind" was her only reply.
The conversation drifted and I was more worried/curious about the long term; what were her plans and how was this going to pan out? With us getting married would anything change? What came from the conversation was I'm not going to get to have sex with her for the next six months, the earliest would be the night of our wedding, and even then it wasn't a guarantee. I'd be kept in chastity until then and be milked or have a ruined orgasm once every two weeks, and I would be diapered every night and in time start wearing them during the day. She also said before too long she wants me to start sleeping in a cage in the bedroom, she wants one big enough so I'm not super cramped and could be left in for long periods of time. "I'm not going to "train" you, but if I tell you to wash dishes it better get done right then, or else". I discussed possibilities on how are new life together could pan out and gave her a scenario: "So your slowly getting back into this, by the time of the wedding you'll more than likely be back to 100%, of me being the "wife" of the relationship. When we get married it will continue, this will be "life"and at some point after your prolly going to start cuckolding me" "Thats about 90% correct I presume, except the cuckolding thing I'm not sure about yet...I'd rather find a guy that will fuck you and me" she said with a very serious face.  "What the hell are you talking about? You can't be serious" I snapped. "Very actually", "I'm not gay, you know that, I would never let you do that".  "Well you kind of wont have a choice, since you'll be tied up, it'll be fun! You'll like it, I know you enjoy my strap on...it's the same thing. He'll fuck you, then you can watch us from your cage. I think that would be much better than simply cuckolding, that way we both win". I truly couldn't believe she said that, sad thing is I believe her when she said she was serious. "Your not scared about this process, you'll do everything because you love me"was the last thing she said that night.
Deep down I know everything we did last time, will be back again. She will continue to feminize me, rather she admits it now or not. I honestly think this time might be more serious than before, since she may be building the roles for the long run now that we are getting married. I do know she will not be blogging, she may every now and then, but as for now she will not. What frustrated her to stop last time was multiple other dominants who were trying to help her learn, she felt like they were trying to tell her how to run her relationship (even though that was not their intention). So now she's set to do things her way...but with wedding planning on her mind, it may effect her memory to my benefit! It's been three days and the chastity device hasn't gone on yet! Praise the lord she's not a morning person! Maybe this trend will keep up and I won't end up being a life long "sissy slave".

We're Engaged!

Apologies for vanishing, as of last week we are engaged! I will update soon!

Why on earth am I letting this happen to me?!

I need thicker for night time, maybe this?

One thing that's apparent; I need new diapers. The Abena Abri-Form M4 X-plus are thick, bulky, and hold a lot, yet they aren't getting the job done for me at night, they leak each morning. I never thought I'd say this but I'm scared they will become my daytime diapers soon, despite the bulge they produce. I'm going to talk to Mistress and see if she's ok with my switching to Molicare Super Plus during the night; though she wanted me in Cushies next (the diapers with the blue baby print all over them that ride extra high in the back). Either those or we're going to have to get some soaker pads for the abena's. In one of my first post I reference when Mistress kept me in the same diaper for almost two days while feeding me bulk laxatives; those diapers did not leak. What she had done was taken two abena's and placed them on top of each other; the fact I could barley walk drove me insane but I don't know what else to do. I know if she wakes up and the bed is wet because of me, there will be a crib in the house by the end of the day and I really want to stem that for as long as possible. I do thank you for continuing to visit my blog during this time of transition, I can assure you we will be back into full gear by the end of the week. It's strange though because I really don't feel like I'm getting a break and thats all my own fault! I actually think I'm working harder, last night for example I cooked dinner, did the dishes, swept and mopped the entire house and had no "me time".  She asked me to do none of those things, so it's kind of like I'm still her maid just not in heels, uniform, chains, and the rest of the get up. I would actually argue I'm more productive during this time off. I think I could make an argument with Mistress telling her I will be a much better maid if I don't have to wear heels and chains or a posture collar! I have the slight feeling she's not going to go for that sadly. I guess that's why I keep working so hard cleaning this week, I actually enjoy it when I'm free to move about the home comfortably.  It is very strange though; not being spanked daily, no files for hours on end, no maid uniform, no feminizing....it's so nice to not feel like I'm going to a second job when I get off of work! Though I know this is going to end very, very soon and I'll be back to reality...and I'm ok with that I think. Do I miss it? I wouldn't go that far....I do miss a few of my files, and the relaxation I got from them.  But if Mistress said I got to take another week long break I most certainly wouldn't cry; trust me that's not going to happen.
I suppose I want to take this post to explain myself due to a conversation I had this morning when another local domme messaged me and asked me a question. The question can be simply put as "Why on God's earth do you let her do all of these things to you?!". I think it's important to explain my position her as to extinguish any fears or concerns certain readers might have down the road. We love each other, like alot...it's almost humorous. We've both been very faithful to each other, and have lived a healthy relationship for several years. So why then do I let her somewhat abuse, humiliate, degrade, beat, punish, and ridicule me day in and day out? Why on earth do I let her subject me to these humiliating circumstances? Am I crazy? No. So why then have I agreed to this process when it's been so terrible being in my shoes thus far (and the funny thing is the worst and hardest parts haven't even begun)?

Getting Mistress a fitted steel collar soon

I always viewed myself as the dominant one in any relationship, I never knew I had this inner submission until my girlfriend clicked the lock shut on our very first chastity device over a year ago. Even at that point in time I did not fully understand I was a submissive; because I was doing whatever it took to "beat" my chastity and be in control. I'm the kind of person who wants, needs, and must be in control regardless of the situation; I need to know whats going on, whats going to happen so I can adjust accordingly. This drive is what I accredit my success and motivation thus far in life with, whether it be by means of education or work or money. So it truly doesn't make sense for me to put up with being her bitch does it? It really doesn't make sense that I'm the one getting fucked in the bed room now. We'll to me, I'm finding out more and more it's starting to become clear; why I'm truly a submissive. I was forced to be in control for many years, I had to in order to survive and meet my goals. Even through work I was forced to take control and manage people for a living, I was good at it. Yet I noticed one thing I had then I don't have now...stress. The stress would always pile on me, the pressure of keeping the bar as high as I had raise it at work truly was the kicker. It drove me mad. And I began to focus so heavily on making sure everything was perfect; I neglected my personal life and my family. Now I'm not in control, my girl friend is happier than ever, I see my family much more often and I have no worries. I don't even have to worry about getting up in the night to pee! Joking aside though, I do not enjoy every aspect of what I'm going through; I truly don't think I'm suppose to. But what I do enjoy is being submissive and giving up all control to her; if some humiliation and degradation comes from that; so be it. Im ok with it. If I had a choice would I like to be able to get off at my own leisure? Yes, but I know this is for the better. I know she's much happier that she is the one in control, because to be blunt she's never been good at being in control and it's an important skill to learn. She is supposed to make all the decisions in our home now with the exception of financial (my if she was in control of my investments I'd die). She still ask me on ideas of dinner, and I try my best to reiterate to her these are now her decisions. In sum please understand it's the submission I'm comfortable with, the other things are all products of that submission and I cannot pick and choose. This may sound funny since Mistress keeps talking about sending me to a professional to help break me in, to help me find my submissive state. I too still want this to since I'm having such a hard to viewing her as a Mistress, and view her as my girlfriend instead.

Debbie

"Sooooo...what if I decided to cuckold you...."

I don't want to sleep in there...

You haven't posted since Saturday?! Gasp! We'll I'm here now, I've simply been terribly busy the past few days as has Mistress. Saturday evening panned into a wonderful surprise for both of us, no it did not involve her beating me or me wearing diapers in public. We went to a local restaurant with new friends, and then took a long walk; perfect evening. When we arrived home I could tell Mistress was horny, very horny. I made a suggestion which I'm not supposed to do that we should try the condoms and numbing cream this evening; she had been preluding to milking me all week so I thought just maybe I might get off! We'll with a cautious glare she agreed to give it a go; I was so excited! Not sure if the numbing cream worked fully, though I think it did. It was too late to tell by the time she threw her curve ball into the equation. "You can have sex with me, as long as I'm on top...but I'm adding something else to your dick; Icy Hot".  I've had Icy hot before for muscle aches, how bad could it actually be? She took a huge amount and rather than rubbing it on my dick, rubbed it into my balls. No words can describe the following pain, thank God she didn't have me tied up! I can't even imagine! She quickly slid the condom on and walked out of the room; I couldn't take the pain, the heat, the piercing feeling ...it was too much for me to take. I jumped out of bed and into the bathtub and turned the water on to get it off. She was not amused and she starred at me with a very judgmental glare. "Seriously....like....really?" was all she said leaving me to rinse off the Icy Hot, entering the other room I could here her preparing my diaper. "I tell you you can fuck me, and this is what you do....again it's no wonder you need diapers....get in here I don't care if it's still on you, get on your damn diaper". She was not happy. I begged her to try again and not put it on my balls, she was having none of it.  "I want you to get back on the ball and find me a crib, like yesterday. This is ridiculous." she said rolling over to go to sleep. "But you told me I would get relief today?!" I stammered as she went to bed. Laying it bed I felt humiliated, for everything...I blew my chance to get the one thing I wanted...sex. I was frustrated as hell, horny and exhausted, as I began to dose off I filled my diaper without thinking about it, adding to my frustration. Waking up Sunday to her changing a messy diaper just gave her more ammunition for humiliation.

I don't want to not get to have sex....I really don't wanna be sitting in a diaper watching Mistress get it!

Sunday I ran out of town to take care of some things and upon arrival back home gave Mistress a hand with unloading her car, exciting right? We'll we had a massive family dinner planned for Sunday night and once it was over we headed home and had a long talk. She was mad that she let me have a "break" and that it lasted two days longer than she had planned. She also broke down to me about finances, admitting she needed my help. I'm great with money, she's not. She also needed help with her side business...she needed her boyfriend, not her sissy. Once I explained it to her, she began to see this break was going to have to last a little longer, for her own sake. She was mad she didn't come to me during my time off, I explained to her over the course of this week I would help her get on track, become organized and teach her to stay in a good rhythm. "Your still wearing your clit cage...and diapers at night....and calling me Mistress...and cleaning the house..." she said. I knew all of that, it was clear she needed my help though. I set her up on my financial software, and thought I could rest for the evening until she came out of the bathroom wearing her strap on. "Turn over and assume the position" she said. About ten minutes into pounding me she unlocked my chastity device and began stroking me. She did me in several positions then finally had me hold a cup in front of my dick. "I want it in the cup, all of it." she said continuing to pound away. When I got off it was wonderful, it felt so good! It had been several weeks since I truly had a real orgasm. I was ready for my diaper and a cosy bed, but that was halted. "Drink it" she said calmly. I came up with every excuse in the world, I knew I would throw up if I did, I couldn't do it. She demanded I drink it and when I wouldn't listen she put my chastity device on me and proceeded to diaper me, something she never does because she knows I won't sleep. I didn't dare say a word, I could tell she was not happy. "I don't know what it's going to take for you to start listening to me, but it better happen soon".  She poured the cum into the container along with the rest she had collected before and placed it back in the freezer. I laid in bed in silence while she made yet another comment about it was time to move me to a crib to fit my behavior as of late. "Your a sissy, sissies drink cum...period." She went to sleep, and I had trouble dozing off given the talk we had.
So that's where we are, Monday and today I've spent all my time at home cleaning and helping her control her finances and map out a plan for her financial goals. I apologize it's not the most exciting update, but I feel this is an important part of the process. She cannot fully focus on becoming a better domme if she has all of these underlying stresses in her life. So no, I don't view this as a set back. Rather this is how progress is going to happen! She did bring up something...interesting though. She asked me the other night how I would feel if she cuckolded me in a few years, I told her I viewed it as cheating. "You'd be present, in your crib, in your diaper....it wouldn't be cheating", I was so puzzled why she would ask me that. "I thought you weren't interested in that..." I asked cautiously, she replied with "I'm not right now, but I may be... don't worry thats a ways away and we'd be married then, lets get your diaper on sissy." And that was the last she said of it.

Debbie

"Your such a baby...no wonder I keep you in diapers".

Add caption

I can assure you this whole thing hasn't come to a grinding stop, which is what you find across many blogs pertaining to this topic. My penis is still locked, I still have been scrubbing the house, and I unfortunately have spent the past two nights in very full diapers. I apologize for not posting, but it take's alot out of me to write these everyday. Two days ago (Thursday evening) as my Mistress referenced I came to her and told her I was stressed beyond measure; work was bearing down on me as I'm working on six various projects and trying to manage people who get paid much more than me. Mistress had been on a great role and the change was constant servitude; which I know will happen but work comes first. Bills, invoices, and papers were sitting on my desk at home and needed to be filed, investment accounts needed to be monitored, preparations for fall needed to be made, the lawn needed to be mowed, my truck needed to be cleaned and worked on and I was about to explode! So we talked and she agreed to give me a break for a few days. It's now saturday and I was supposed to spend the day cleaning and in her grasp again; she's out of town until this afternoon so I've continued checking things off of my list which needed to get done. I feel leaps and bounds better and my stress level has lowered, life just threw everything at me and I needed a small break.
Chastity stayed on, I was still diapered at night, and I was still doing things for her, but it was a lovely break.  Last night Mistress wanted to have some fun, and my horniness levels were through the roof so she rubbed my cock with numbing cream so we could have "vanilla sex". Well before she put the multiple condoms on she decided to rub my cock and balls with Icy Hot to make it even harder for me to get off. All I can say is I'm so glad I wasn't chained to the bed as she had originally planned. I've never felt that much pain in my life down there! I had to run to the bath tub to wash my balls off, she was not happy. "Your such a baby....you were going to get to have sex with me and you just blew it....rinse it off and get on the bed so I can diaper you, seems you just reinforced my choice to keep you in them, such a damn baby". she said.  We'll that wasn't nice I thought, I was not happy at my predicament and sat on the bed pouting. "Stop pouting, I know your diapered and act like a two year old but that doesn't mean go all out!" she snapped at me. I laid down to go to sleep as she softly said "enjoy your rest, soon you little dick will be kept in it's device even when your diapered, it won't be coming off anymore...now be a good sissy and fill your diapers for me by morning or else."  She passed out and I got out of bed since it was early, I know soon when she gets the crib set up I won't have the freedom to venture off. Then it hit me like a rock; I messed without thinking about it... I was so frustrated on multiple levels and now having to sleep in my own filth was added to the equation.  I was not very happy to say the least. She cooed and praised me this morning for making a mess "aren't you excited to start diapers 24/7?! your puffy butt will waddle in public, everyone will think it's adorable!"   I'm scared about this, thankfully I did not go to Mistress B's this weekend, Mistress didn't get to meet up with her and I'm very glad I didn't have to. Hopefully I won't have to go there since public diaper humiliation was going to be her focal point for the weekend.  Mistress is talking to several dommes still, so I know it's only a matter of time, she referenced how badly she needed to break me in again last night. I'm not sure what's on the agenda for the rest of the day, but I promise I will let you know this evening. At least the crop hasn't been broken out for a few days, I'm sure it will pay me a visit tonight, as will her strap on. Thanks for reading, I promise I will post this evening even if it involves hours of hypnosis.

Debbie.

Ever growing, Ever learning...

I don't think my weekend vacation will look like this...

This lifestyle truly is a journey of up's and down's! I think the longer we're on this journey the more we learn and grow. It feels like the development of this lifestyle is bubbling more and more with each passing day, and I'm excited to see where it takes us. This evening Mistress had to stay late for work, I had dinner ready when she got home and after greeting her properly we talked and enjoyed dinner. She needed to work on a few side jobs so she went ahead and spanked me with the crop for my continued bad behavior. Followed by diapering me and locking me in my ankle cuffs with a two foot chain between them, with my heels on of course. It's funny because I'm still struggling to get into a submissive state, and staying there. Which is why I know deep down as does she going to someone who does not see "there boyfriend" when they look at me is going to be the best thing for me. I basically need a weekend of hell, to the point where I go crawling back to Mistress, never wanting to upset her so she never sends me back to that person again. It's motivation really, and with the proper motivation I am capable of amazing things....I'm a driven person, so this will be no different. I've had people message me with concerns of going into a strangers home and being under there control for a weekend with no way to leave.  Let me clear the air; first off Mistress would have been in conversation with this person, also Mistress would have met this person and chatted. Only after then if she felt comfortable would this happen. So please don't think she's shipping me away to be sold into the argentinian sex trade, thats not happening. At least then I might be able to actually get off?! Ha Ha. She's talking to a few whom I have found, but one in particular has kind of stood out and Mistress began communication with her tonight. Mistress has mentioned going to multiple people over the course of this growing process for me through submission. The one she messaged today had a lite conversation with me about what her "making me crawl back to Mistress would entail" bondage, beat, abuse, leave me there...repeat. Which I think is exactly what Mistress is looking for.  Will the person get enjoyment out of this? Sure or they wouldn't do it. But this is more about me coming back to Mistress a melted ball of submissive goo.    It seems like I'm anxious for this to happen, because I am, but not in the way you might think. I will get no pleasure from this, I'm in chastity anyway! The pleasure I will get is the submission I will feel towards Mistress when I return. This will be good for me in essence, because Mistress is still developing as a dominant herself, me being a better submissive will make this process easier for the both of us. Another question I received was "why wouldn't your mistress be there"and the answer is simple actually; I wont see my girlfriend, she wont see her boyfriend it would simply be me as a slave, and a dominant, and thats all we see each other as. No other emotions get in the way, its simple me being treated like I should be. I hope this clarifies some of the concern, don't be concerned! Pray it happens soon so I can get better! As I've stated in many of my blogs I love my Mistress dearly, and I want to be the best I can be at this for her.  The two week period we were shooting for is still high hopes, since I will be traveling alot come the end of September, and I don't think I can wait longer to be a great slave. I have faith it will come through, though I'm scared of it happening I know it will be for the better. Also hoping Mistress develops several friends out of this process in the lifestyle so she can relate to someone in person.
These truly are the most open people you will find in the world and I'm excited about the friendships I'm making through this process. It brings people from all walks of life together, and that's an awesome thing.

Debbie

The past few days

She needs some practice on aiming with a crop.

I apologize for not posting last night, toward the latter part of the evening as we were getting ready for bed Mistress became ill and I wanted to make sure she was ok, she's much better now. I hate not posting because I'm afraid I will forget a detail I think you will enjoy. Following my post Monday evening, Tuesday morning I awoke with a very full diaper. Sadly Mistress did not even get up to change me and had a hard time believing I even messed. I also took a shower before putting my chastity device on for the day which has now inspired her to actually wake up change me herself. I did not get much sleep Monday night, the mess made it hard to focus on sleep so I was not in a good mood overall Tuesday at work. Simple problems with people not doing their job making my job much harder than it actually should have been, all I know is I was not in a good mood thanks to incompetent people. Mistress B was texting me during the day and to say I had an attitude was an understatement. I guess I was kind of seeing if she would get made enough to actually take me this week, because I knew she wouldn't. We discussed schedules earlier in the day, and the weekend she wanted me to come is the 28th and I'm out of town, and the next two she's busy. So anyway I suppose I was rude. She kept saying "one more time with the attitude" and I kept replying, and she kept saying "one more time with the attitude" and nothing happened. This is MY BLOG to put down MY THOUGHTS so I'm not afraid to speak my mind here, all I know is does a seasoned dominant give a slave 5 chances? I guess that's what threw me off, she even said "Say one more thing and I'll make time to get you here this weekend and put you through hell" or something like that. I said something else and nothing happened. When I got home me and Mistress had dinner with friends at seven (as you can tell we are very sociable people) and she wanted to take full advantage of the two hours she had before it was time to leave the house.

24/7 is happening soon...not happy about that

She made me strip down to my thong and put me in my tall heels, then she cuffed my ankles to the long spreader bar, along with my ankles and proceeded to crop me for being disrespectful to Mistress B and not addressing her properly. Then her crop missed and hit the inner part of my thigh right next to you know what....and I hit the ground. I literally fell from the pain, I couldn't believe she hit me there. I know she did not mean too but shit...it hurt. She quickly undid my legs and leaned me over the bed to finish. At the end she said "Your going to Mistress B's for the weekend, I'll take you up there Friday and pick you up Sunday mid-day". So apparently I'm going, we'll see if it actually happens. If there is one thing I'm good at it's reading people, and I have a slight feeling simply by the way Mistress B has responded via text that I wont be going. We'll see, I'm not looking forward to it if I am, I was very rude and I shouldn't of been. I think I may be wrong though and I might actually be going since Mistress has said it, Mistress B, and Amy (Mistresses coach) have all "confirmed" it's happening. Apparently Mistress B's sissy is going to be there for the weekend, and I will be sleeping under the bed beneath them in bondage, gagged, and diapers. Mistress also said she's most excited about "Public Diaper Humiliation with Mistress B" and said she's really looking forward to it. Mistress B has said I need to get used to diapers with my chastity device and in public since that's my Mistresses goal. So it looks like I'll be paraded in public with thick diapers under my shorts, don't you love weekend rejuvenation?! After dinner Mistress instructed me to drive to Wal-greens and buy some numbing cream and condoms, so I guess tonight I will be getting to actually have sex....just not feeling anything. After we returned from Wal-greens she got a terrible stomach bug which hindered her play for the rest of the evening. Though at dinner she did wisp-per in my ear "I get horny thinking about hurting you"....not exactly the thing I wanted to here.   So that should be fun I guess. Tonight I have alot to do before she gets home, I need to mow, do alot of ironing, folding, cleaning the house, go to grocery store, cook dinner and what ever else is on her list. Last night was tiring as well, I messed again right before I laid down so it was two nights in a dirty diaper. I really just want to rest and do my own thing. Especially since I haven't eaten anything today, work was so busy I didn't even take a lunch break.  Last night while she was in the tub I laid down and flipped through a magazine I got in the mail, it's sad how much I enjoyed that time of nothingness. If I don't get good sleep soon I'm going to crash, my performance at work today showed how tired I am judging by how many mistakes I made today.  Will post tonight before bed.

Debbie

Affirmation...it's not a game.

Im coming to terms with diapers.

It may seem like we are never at home on the weekends, though I can assure this is not the case all of the time. Lately we have been gone an oddly strange amount, that's changing now. We spent the holiday weekend with Family, well sunday and monday anyway. Awakening sunday morning Mistress was not happy I hadn't messed my diaper, but this was haulted by the fact we needed to get on the road. Driving too our destination we took two cars, I received a text from Mistress B asking if I was plugged, I replied with a hesitant "...no?". She told me she though sissies should be plugged all during the day, to make them more submissive and get them use to having things up there ass....or something like that. I can tell you that was NOT a piece of advice I was passing along to Mistress, though she more than likely already recommended it to her. We enjoyed our get away and I asked Mistress B one question later in the day, if my time with her during training would be only under her roof, or if I would be leaving the house at all. Looking back I almost wish I wouldn't have asked that question. "Some in public, you need to get use to them" was her reply. Use to what I asked, which she stated "your diapers, you need to get use to wearing them 24/7 which is what your Mistress wants, this includes public". Great, one of my biggest fears...diapers in public, I want nothing to do with it! I'm a slim guy, if my pant's are puffy everyone will know, my waddle will be very obvious. "I truly wish you would re think that, I don't want to be exposed or humiliated, I don't want others to know I'm diapered ma'am" (I HAVE to address her as Ma'am and Mistress as Mistress in all communication or it adds 10 spankings to my first punishment session with her...I'm up to 81 apparently, though I think the count is off...my opinion doesn't matter).  "Thats why it's going to be fun! You'll be extra submissive which is where your Mistress needs you".   I enjoyed the day with Mistress, I'm so lucky to call her mine, and even lucky enough to begin the journey to serve her. She truly is stunning, she has a glow about her when she smiles that reinforces why I want to be with her forever when I see it. Laying in bed she had already grabbed a diaper out of the suitcase and put it on me, I was cuddled up next to her when I asked her, as nicely, as sincerely as I could... "Please don't send me to Mistress B....she's alot meaner than you, I think it's going to be a nightmare".  "No, your going, its for sure now...don't ask me again, you need to go" was all she said. Even today it became more evident, they were texting a lot, and it was obvious. Sitting on the floor eating dinner when we finally returned home Mistre
ss giggled and kept smiling when she was looking at her phone, she said "diapers in public!" in a bubbly voice, and I knew my fears had been reaffirmed. Though I'm scared do not think Mistress is crossing a hard limit, she's not. She has few limits (she knows I'd never do anything homosexually related, and she would never make me do that) but other than that she has full control. If I truly wanted to stop this process I could look her in the eye and make it end, but I see how much happier she is now. After dinner she told me to lay on the bed, she inserted the medium plug in me and put on my black thong to hold it in. "Come on, across my lap now" she said sitting on the edge of the bed with a wooden spoon in hand. I didn't even fight it, it would have been pointless.
"You were bad this weekend" as she spanked me after each of the following statements.
-Yes Mistress  I replied.
"You did NOT call me Mistress, you are to do that EVERY Time"
-Yes Mistress.
"You did not behave and you weren't respectful"
-Yes Mistress (the blows began to multiply between statements)
"You are to always hold the door for me and allow me to enter first, anywhere, anytime, no questions!"
-Yes Mistress

I understand why I must be kept in chastity now.

"You are to listen and not sigh when I ask you to do something"
-Yes Mistress (now my ass is glowing and each strike is causing me to squirm)
"You are to do whatever I say immediately with no hesitation"
-Yes Mistress
The statements stopped and the spanking continued for a few minutes
"You understand why I'm sending you to Mistress B?"
-Yes Mistress
"It's going to be hell! this spanking is going to seem like massage!"
-Yes Mistress with pain in my voice
"Your going to be sleeping standing up chained in a closet! So fun!"
-Yes Mistress
"She's not going to put up with your attitude, your ass will be raw!"
-Yes Mistress
"Do you understand what I've said sissy?"
-Yes Mistress
She left me across her lap, gently rubbing my bright red bottom. She held me for a minute then told me to get to cleaning and report back when I was done. In the middle of my attempt to shine the kitchen, she put the posture collar on me, as if the plug wasn't bad enough. An hour passed and I was done. I really needed to use the rest room but she simply replied "too bad" and ignored me. She then took me into the bedroom and told me to prepare the chains on the bed for my hypnosis files. Chaining my arms to the bed (I might add when she plugged me, she put my heels on me, they are still on) she pulled them tight, blind fold which was wrapped again to ensure darkness, and my files began being pumped into my head. The files were some I hate, because I'm an ass guy, Mistress's ass is perfect and large...the good kind of large, shes not overweight by any means. The file was focused on building a stronger ass fetish for any women I see, yet not being allowed to get off. It played on loop for what seemed like hours. When she finally turned it off I was so happy to be out of the darkness. I got up and stretched and immediately wet my diaper without thinking about it, then I messed without giving second thought.   "What was that" I thought... I walked by the window in the kitchen and looked at myself in the reflection... heels causing my ass to stick out, legs straight, diaper wrapped around me. "This is life now, this is what your becoming...at least it looks...kind of cute?" was what rushed through my mind. It's sad how scared I am of changing, I'm becoming more submissive daily, more dependent on her daily...and training truly hasn't begun. I don't think it will until she sends me to Mistress B's. Mistress said she will have my first weekend training planned and a date by mid week more than likely, and its possibly as close as the coming weekend.  When Mistress had me across her lap, Its clear shes growing much more confident. And my spankings tonight did not count towards my total tally for Mistress B's... She's still going to spank me for not addressing Mistress properly as well.

Goodnight, I hate falling asleep in a very diaper.
Debbie.

Morning sex, Bedtime sex

"Come right back to the bed, I feel like having sex sissy..." was the first thing Mistress said to me through my morning grogginess. I was taken back, she was breaking out the strap on at crack of dawn...well four hours after the sun rise. She didn't use the big dildo, but she had me bent over the bed for about ten minutes, it felt pretty good, the small one always does. I've noticed she never does me very long, I'm sure this will change in time, as my hole becomes more receptive to receiving things. She did not take me right away, my diaper was rather soaked and she wanted me to stay in it for awhile while I cooked her breakfast. She also took pictures of my diaper and sent it to her acquaintance I believe. After cooking a wonderful breakfast and she finished pounding me, she spanked me for my continuing of being bad. It was nothing is specific I believe, just in general behavior she hasn't been happy with. This is not surprising given my overall resistant  the past few days. We spent the day visiting an old friend of mine and returned home around 9pm. She told me she had some things she wanted to do before we laid down for the evening. "Im going to fuck you again, get ready on the bed, your cage is staying on". I didn't argue, though I wanted to... I just wanted to be put in my diaper and left alone. One thought on the diapers are they are becoming a safe place for me; I'm not in chastity in them, she can't stick anything in me or spank me...they are kind of nice, not to mention kind of comfy, I'm growing to like them a lot which I know was her intention. When she makes me dependent on the diapers I'm dependent on her...  But my diaper didn't come on, and after she mounted me from behind with the smaller dildo, she went into the bathroom and put on her large one. The smaller one had been cleaned and was shoved into my mouth for me to suck on while she forced the large one into me. I'm still not use to this monster, I feel so different when it's thrusting into me, violated, scared, waves of pleasure and my mind races. What ran through my mind tonight was is the only point of her training me on dildos only going to be reserved for her dominant pleasure? Or does she have underlying plans for the far future where she wants me to be prepared?! I can't see her "whoring me out" but she has joked about it numerous times. I know I'm just thinking crazy. The session went on for about 20 minutes, and I wanted it to end so badly. When it was finally over she let me sit on the toilet rather than diapering me immediately; for which I was very thankful. When she doesn't let me, I go to bed feeling used. But I'm in my diapers and panties now, she also has been MUCH more stern on me calling her Mistress every time I speak to her, she said she was keeping count to tell her new dominant friend.  An update on that field; Mistress said she wasn't sure when that was going to happen since apparently schedules aren't alligning. The three week window might not be met sadly, but then again it may work out, so we'll see. If Mistress B can help me become a better slave to my Mistress, I want to do it as soon as possible...because I hate letting her down. I want to take this seriously for her. I want to be the best sissy in the world, for her. I want to obey and listen and do as I'm told, yet I'm having a hard time breaking down these barriers in my mind. I hope schedules align so it happens in the next three weeks so I can start serving my Mistress to the best of my ability.  Going to spend the holiday with Family, will be back Monday night.  Thanks for reading, please ask any question you like.

Debbie

Sending me off to be broken in?

There was no flaunting of a sissy through out the house, chains clinking between heels as she cleaned gracefully shaking her ass as instructed by her Mistress. No strap on violated me, no hypnosis files were played for hours on end, well yet anyway. Yet despite all of this it was one of the most stone setting days thus far, today solidified just how serious Mistress is, just how far she wants this to go, and made clear she wants to mold me into her maid, her servant, her sex toy, her sissy. How could all of these things happened without D/s or kink involvement today? Well there was some of it, she just diapered me for the evening but not before spanking me telling me how bad of a slave I was. She had me greet her when I got home, and reddened my ass with a wooden spoon. Im sure she would have done more if it were not for our friends coming over for dinner and chatting all evening, which was wonderful. How could it be then that today was so monumental of a day? 

As I've talked about in recent post, there is a Mistress who lives a few hours away. We've talked alot the past few days and she truly has been a help in aiding me to break down my road blocks in my mind, to accept becoming my Mistresses slave. She's helping to break down the barrier of my viewing her only as my girlfriend and not my Mistress. The feelings I get of silliness or that its dumb when she commands me to sit, or greet her...she is beginning to put it in terms so I start to understand why it's my place to do those things. I suppose it started out as a joke in our morning conversation, I was chatting with Mistress B on Fetlife and we were discussing vanilla headaches, one thing was jobs. I made a joke and stated she should has aspiring Femdoms pay her to whip her slaves into shape. Well little did I know her and Mistress were talking at the same time, and they were also texting. This became evident when Mistress B told me to ask my Mistress if it was ok if we texted, My mistress quickly agreed. The conversations were about me fears, how I'm hard headed and being resistant to this process. Earlier my Mistress had text me and told me she had been thinking about it, and believed it would be in both of our best interest if she let Mistress B do exactly what I joked about..."whip me into shape". Yet my Mistress added a few words which caught my eye "I'm going to send you..." and "for a few days...." to the statement. "Are you actually going to send me to another Dominant for an entire weekend?" I asked.  "Yes actually...I am, you have no choice." I was terrified, and my mind began racing with a million questions about what ifs and hows that going to work, what am I going to do, what is she going to do to me? I made the mistake of directing some of these questions to Mistress B, she told me it wasn't my place to know. Through the conversation she assured me I would leave a much better sub, and much more submissive. She talked about how when she sends me back, I would behave properly for my Mistress by the time she was threw with me. I got nervous, worried, and began trying to top from the bottom with my Mistress...its clear my Mistress has made up her mind on this, I'll be going to Mistress B's. Though Mistress is concerned that our schedules will not align soon, and for personal reasons the initial visit needs to take place in the next three weeks. I know I will benefit from my stay under her control, because she's be so stern, consistent, and directive today just through text! When she text me she told me when addressing her through text I must address her as Ma'am in each one, and for everytime I didn't she was going to spank me when I arrived. She's been keeping count consistently for each violation. She also told me how I need to address my Mistress, and I'm sure she will want a violations count from her. For the first few days its 1 hit for each violation, then it moves to 10. I noticed, since I KNEW she was keeping count, I made it a point to address properly. I think she has the mindset Mistress wants, and I know shes going to teach her a lot and I'm very thankful for that. My mindset has changed completely from my fears. I know it will be beneficial for me to go, I know she can drive submission into me and return me to my Mistress with the right attitude and outlook I need to have. I love my Mistress dearly, I'd do anything to make her happy, and if that means spending a weekend under strict control...I'm glad to do it. 

Debbie

Hypnosis, Thoughts, and one tired sub

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was Mistress caught me in boxers, stupid mistake. I put them on when I went to go see friends since I was wearing basketball shorts; not wanting to flaunt my white and black thong I chose an old pair of boxers. I told myself to remove them when I got back home, and I forgot. Which was why she reddened my ass so bad yesterday, and it put her in a very aggressive mood for the remainder of the evening. Awakening this morning she was not happy I hadn't "messed" my diaper, despite the fact it was soaked through and through. "I think it's time for you to go into diapers 24/7, its the only way your going to become fully dependent on them" she said as she woke.  Shuttering that thought away I found myself reflecting on something she stated last night, which kind of bugged me. I don't want to be her cuckold, yet I feel in time its inevitable and the signs are painted on the wall; A.) "your not going to have sex with me again"  B.) "your going to be sleeping in a crib every night, not next to me anymore" C.) Her making me suck her strap-on and progressively training my hole to take larger dildos and plugs.  D.) Her wanting a milking machine so she wont risk me feeling pleasure during a monthly milking. E.) "soon your cage isn't coming off anymore, your going to have to learn to wear it and your diaper" F.) When I was pleasuring her with the strap on she said "its just not the same as the real thing, sorry but you can stop". And Lastly what she said last night "I need to get you an isolation hood and a mask, I have to stop viewing you as my boyfriend and start seeing you as my slave, the mask will move this along much faster".  I felt hurt, worried, and concerned why she doesn't want to see me as her boyfriend. When I repeated it back to her she said that wasn't what she meant. But that reply did not satisfy me, and reminded me of when Mobico asked his wife the proverbial question "Do you view me as your husband or your slave?". I over think everything and I know I just need to sit back and ride this train, after all it was I who introduced her to chastity, I just never thought we'd come this far, and we still have along way to go. I know hundreds of guys out there would KILL to be in my shoes, but it's not all fun and games. Though I did notice I'm not as horny today, I think I may of had a wet dream since my balls no longer ache, guess I need to check the diaper.

None of this, this evening.

She is wanting alot of new items, so I asked her to prioritize them for me last night and she said she wanted the crib within the week, then the hood, then a highchair, then the machine, then the maxcita straight jacket. To me this sounds like a cocktail for a miserable slave!  Add to the list the items I will be adding to surprise her with; the new corsets, jewel designer butt plug, and the steel collar I found, One she can actually leave on me full time when I'm not in public since I'm sure she's going to start leashing me soon when ever she makes me start crawling around.
When I went home for lunch I didn't eat, instead I cleaned like a mad man, or, girl? So I would have less to do this evening. It's actually 2:00pm now as I'm typing this first part of the blog, I plan on cleaning like crazy when I get home from work. Clean whole house quickly and not do it in heels, plugged, and chains? Yes please! Wonderful conversations continued today with the Mistress I referenced yesterday, I'm excited to tell Mistress that she's really nice and I think they will hit it off. Its SO NICE to be able to talk to someone about it other than Mistress's "coach" and get insight into a domme. Another local Mistress gave me permission to message her slave, I've yet to do it though.
Well It's now a little after seven, I messaged the other submissive and I think were off to a great conversation! I continued to talk with the Mistress who lives close, and she's really helped me with alot of the mental roadblocks I've put in place through this process. She's also taken alot of concern away from exposure and humiliation today. One thing she stated was she thinks I need much more hypnosis, to help continue to solidify my training and transformation; she stated it's obvious it's working on me. I truly am thankful for our long conversation today, it's nice to talk to someone who is as kind, real, and honest as she is! I thought about it and asked myself the question "If she was sitting in our living room with Mistress would you be embarrassed to serve them in your maid outfit, or her seeing Mistress do anything to you?" The answer quickly came to my head "no I wouldn't". I think the reason I feel this way is because she understands the lifestyle, and a sub missives place in the whole scheme.  Now, I don't know if that day will come where her and Mistress become close enough where she begins the visit, I hope it does but thats not what was comforting. The notion that there are others in the local community with her same outlook is comforting. "You'll never meet a group of more open minded people.." she said, and that's comforting. I've been cleaning since the minute I got home and its time to prepare dinner, be back soon!
The floors look amazing and I cooked a wonderful meal, I also made sure I welcomed Mistress properly when she got home ;)  I cleaned like I was insane this afternoon, the amount of sweat pouring off of me you would have thought I was mowing the lawn! It was SO hot for some reason. I rushed to the grocery store and got home just as Mistress was arriving. I finished dinner and we enjoyed our meal, I sat on the floor and proceeded to clean the kitchen when I was done, granted its still not clean I made a huge mess during dinner. Before I started cooking Mistress had me lay down on the bed naked, she contemplated putting me in my uniform, the opted to go ahead and diaper me for the evening and putting an apron on me for while I cooked.  I hate it when she gets home so late in the evening; I know she's unwinding from the day and the last thing she wants to do is train or think of all the rules she has to enforce. So I do understand, yet its SO FRUSTRATING when Im on these long chastity stints; because I feel like we've only had one day of solid training and involvement since my business trip got in the way earlier this week. The only reason I harp on wanting her to be consistent and to start enforworth it. When she's consistent and I go into "sub space" then I don't think about chastity, getting off no longer matters, all that matters is pleasing her and making her happy. I want that to be constant! And I know it can, and I know in time it will. I just have to be patient, on the day I make enough money to tell her to quit her job, I will cry tears of joy because she truly does work so hard and is underpaid just as many people are in this economy. Any ways after I cleaned the kitchen she was in the bedroom setting up the restraints for a hypnosis section. She hadn't done one in awhile, but before leaving the room she took the gag and made a new hole in the belt "Since you like to try and spit this out, I'm going to make it to where you can't even get it out of your mouth" was all she said as she tightened the ball gag to a painful tension. My mouth still hurts like hell. For two hours I listened to hypnosis files, I laid there and hoped a certain file would come on, "chasstity" is it's title, it takes me to such a happy place and I feel it has made the biggest impact on me, yet it never came. I tried to tell her before she started and she just walked away. I came out of my trance and didn't say a word as she turned on the lights and removed my restraints and blind fold. It was a very interesting vibe I was feeling. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to sleep I just wanted to stay there. Even after I got up I didn't shake this feeling until about thirty minutes later, and it left me overly tired. My limbs are aching from the chains, she pulled them as tight as she could. Need to get some rest, not sure if tomorrow will be full of fun or not. I suppose we'll see!
cing all of the rules, being strict and never breaking her role (though I know when that day does come I will want these days back) is that it makes the massive waves of frustration that chastity is bringing to my mind every minute